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Tuesday, December 30, 2014
IELTS Writing Makeover No. 94
The following essay was written by Joan and she writes her reasons why prison is not the best punishment.
Prison is the best punishment. Agree or disagree?
Unfortunate as it may seem, we currently live in a world enveloped with genuine horror and terror. Despite the fact that imprisonment has long been tattooed in every community, evilness towards mankind has not been eliminated nor reduced to an acceptable level. For this reason, I unequivocally disagree that getting behind bars is the best punishment for people proven guilty of heinous crimes.
Moreover, if this is such an effective scheme, then why is there an increase of crimes in many parts of the world? People are widely aware of the fact that being locked up may be the result of committing unlawful acts yet they tend to execute murder, rape or robbery. This is a clear indication that imprisonment is not enough.
Also, since these people who commit crimes often have intelligent minds, they can think of smart ways to escape. Getting into jail may not really be a big deal for them. The world has already witnessed numerous accounts of prisoners escaping without ever getting caught again. Aside from escaping the illegal way, some are granted paroles and sadly, they go back to their old ways once out of prison and the cycle of hatred goes on again.
Here in my country, more children and women are raped by psychopathic minds each year. Accounts of murder have increased overtime. Most of those who commit crimes have already been imprisoned but managed to escape after bailing out, getting paroled or getting out the illegal way. Prison has not established the ample control and has not imbibed fear paving way to more crimes.
Being socially isolated plus torture may be a good punishment but it certainly is not the best. For a punishment to be labeled as best, it must put to an end the act that it is trying to correct. Clearly, getting imprisoned, knowing that it has long been part of our society, has not delivered well making it a form of punishment which is weak and fragile. For all these reasons, I stand by my belief that prison is and will never be the best punishment for our once safe world.
You were able to give arguments why you disagree that prison is the best punishment. However, never begin paragraphs with an example (Body Paragraph 3). Add an argument for the agree side for a more balanced essay.
Good crime vocabulary was used: paroled, murder, unlawful acts, effective scheme.
COHERENCE AND COHESION
Good transition words were used such as also, for all these reasons. However, “moreover” should be used for the second body paragraph and not the first body paragraph. Improve organization to ensure a balanced essay by using the following format:
Body Paragraph 1 – Disagree 1
Body Paragraph 2 – Disagree 2
Body Paragraph 3 – Disagree 3
GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
Advanced grammar structures were used like perfect tenses, modal verbs, and relative clauses.
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