Saturday, June 14, 2014

IELTS Writing Makeover #86



The following essay was written by Jana from the Philippines. She writes her arguments regarding prevention of crime.
Crime is a big problem in the world; many believe that nothing can be done to prevent it.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?  Give your own opinion.
It is common for most countries to have problems dealing with crimes. It seems that not only in third world countries are this criminals rampant but in almost all parts of the world. Issues concerning criminal punishments and preventions come up; however, not everyone is convinced that such heinous acts are preventable.
Some people might believe that it is difficult for crimes to be stopped. This is because of how intense and abundant the cases already are. Despite the laws and policies implemented by the government, still, criminals are able to continuously harm citizens.
Not only does it affect locals, most criminals of a particular country are able to infiltrate other countries with the same scheme. This could prove that even international laws, no matter how strict it is, can no longer prevent cases of felony. In example, those Russian pedophiles are now able to put up an office in a province in the Philippines victimizing and inviting young people in pornography.
On the other hand, I believe that these crimes can be prevented. Many factors can affect the way a person thinks that will affect his or her actions. One way is the development of morals and values of the young which starts at home and school. Parents have the responsibility of nurturing children to become good citizens.
The government also plays a very important role in prevention of violent acts. Stricter laws should be implemented and people should see that punishments are really given to those law breakers. To prevent crimes, policemen should be trained well to detect possible or suspected criminals.
Poor economic status also could contribute to the rising number of crimes. The government should provide better programs to aid in poverty. This can help lessen the number of criminal cases.
In conclusion, I strongly believe that crimes can be avoided. The government and the citizens all play important roles to help achieve a peaceful environment.
4-POINT CRITIQUE
TASK ACHIEVEMENT
The task requires you to agree or disagree whether crime cannot be prevented. The arguments are illogical since they give causes and solutions to crimes.
LEXICAL RESOURCE
Good crime vocabulary was used: suspected criminals, violent acts, criminal cases.
COHERENCE AND COHESION
Good transition words were used: on the other hand, in conclusion. Improve organization by using the 5-paragraph format:
Introduction
BP1- Disagree 1
BP2 – Disagree 2
BP3- Agree 1
GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
There are a few grammar errors found:
This criminals = these criminals
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For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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