Friday, May 30, 2014

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #85



The following IELTS essay is from May of China. She talks about her views regarding money leading to happiness.

Money if only just sufficient for your needs leads to happiness. Money in excess may lead to many problems. Do you agree or disagree?

It is undeniable that money plays one of the most important roles in everyone's life. Some people think that problems are created when people have a huge amount of money and life will be more enjoyable if people have just right amount of financial income. This view will be supported by analyzing how rich people pose problems to a society and how people live happily when they have just enough money to live.

First of all, most of the criminals from juvenile delinquencies come from privileged families. For example, these days, many youngsters from rick families join gang groups, involve in drugs smuggling and a group fight. This is because such young adolescents do not have a responsibility for their families or their income since they comes from a strong financial background whereas youths from middle-income families probably have to take care of their own expenses. Thus, it is clear that young people from rice families creates more problems than that of from middle class families.

In addition to this, people from neither very rich nor very poor families enjoy their lives peacefully with their loved ones. For instance, recent statistics revealed that  people from a middle socio-economic status has the highest percentage of satisfaction with their lives compared to the participants from lower or higher financial status. From this, it is believed that middle class people are not as busy as people from others classes which allow middle incomers to spend more time with their families and enjoy their lives.

In a nutshell, it is believed that people do not need a lot of money to live happily in their lives. In addition, more and more problems are imposed when people have too much free time and excess amount of money.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to give your views on why just sufficient money can lead to happiness. You gave concrete examples to prove your point. However, do discuss also the opposite point of view.

LEXICAL RESOURCE
Good range of vocabulary: higher financial status, strong financial background, middle incomers.

COHERENCE AND COHESION 
Good transition words were used: first of all, in addition, in a nutshell, for instance. Improve organization by using the 5-paragraph format:
Introduction
Body Par 1- Agree 1
Body Par 2- Agree 2
Body Par 3 – Disagree 1
Conclusion

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
There are some grammar errors :
Rick families = rich families
Rice families = rich families
people from a middle socio-economic status has the highest percentage of satisfaction = people from a middle socio-economic status have the highest percentage of satisfaction
they comes = they come
young people from rice families creates more problems = young people from rich families create more problems

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If you want a free IELTS writing makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com.



For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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Woman Behind A Teacher's Odyssey

My name is Miracel Juanta and I write ATeachersOdyssey to help students and teachers create better English. I have been in the teaching profession for more than 10 years. My field of expertise includes ESL,IELTS,TOEFL,Business English etc. If you have questions about English, feel free to email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com or add my twitter @msjuanta.