The following IELTS essay is from
May of China. She talks about her views regarding money leading to happiness.
Money if only just sufficient for
your needs leads to happiness. Money in excess may lead to many problems. Do
you agree or disagree?
It is undeniable
that money plays one of the most important roles in everyone's life. Some
people think that problems are created when people have a huge amount of money
and life will be more enjoyable if people have just right amount of financial
income. This view will be supported by analyzing how rich people pose problems
to a society and how people live happily when they have just enough money to
all, most of the criminals from juvenile delinquencies come from privileged
families. For example, these days, many youngsters from rick families join gang
groups, involve in drugs smuggling and a group fight. This is because such
young adolescents do not have a responsibility for their families or their
income since they comes from a strong financial background whereas youths from
middle-income families probably have to take care of their own expenses. Thus,
it is clear that young people from rice families creates more problems than
that of from middle class families.
to this, people from neither very rich nor very poor families enjoy their lives
peacefully with their loved ones. For instance, recent statistics revealed that
people from a middle socio-economic status has the highest percentage of
satisfaction with their lives compared to the participants from lower or higher
financial status. From this, it is believed that middle class people are not as
busy as people from others classes which allow middle incomers to spend more
time with their families and enjoy their lives.
nutshell, it is believed that people do not need a lot of money to live happily
in their lives. In addition, more and more problems are imposed when people
have too much free time and excess amount of money.
able to give your views on why just sufficient money can lead to happiness. You
gave concrete examples to prove your point. However, do discuss also the
opposite point of view.
of vocabulary: higher financial status, strong financial background, middle
COHERENCE AND COHESION
transition words were used: first of all, in addition, in a nutshell, for
instance. Improve organization by using the 5-paragraph format:
Body Par 1-
Body Par 2-
Body Par 3
– Disagree 1
GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
some grammar errors :
families = rich families
families = rich families
a middle socio-economic status has the highest percentage of satisfaction =
people from a middle socio-economic status have the highest percentage of
= they come
people from rice families creates more problems = young people from rich
families create more problems
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