Monday, February 11, 2013

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #84



The following essay was written by Sakhti . He discusses the advantages and disadvantages of living in an apartment.

Some people believe that people living in apartments feel unhappy and lonely. Others, however, argue that living in apartment has more advantages than disadvantages. Discuss both views abd give your opinion.
 
Since the dawn of time, human beings began to residing in several forms of accommodations such as caves, huts, shelters, independent houses, lodges and apartments. However, the contemporary trend seems to be is that myriad populace show predilection to accommodate in high-rise flats and this fashion is ballooning at a rapid pace. On the one hand, there are people censuring this development point out that this life style has more detrimental efforts than beneficial values. On the other hand, there are many who support this approach list out manifold profits to the dwellers. Here, both of these perceptions will be meticulously critiqued before establishing an inference.
 
According to one camp, people who criticize living in apartment building indicate that this way of living not only destructs their happiness but also separates them from the society. A good case in point is point is that by and large, residents in dwelling are keen to maintain privacy and would not even consider helping neighborhoods in emergency circumstances such as medical assistance, first aid or caring child for a while. Moreover, the recent news published in “ India today” magazine divulged a concerning issue that almost 80% of the crimes happened in metropolitan cities in the year 2011 transpired in these vulnerable tenements. As a result, inhabitants worry a lot about their safety and are not jubilant dwelling in flats. Hence, it is pellucid why many people gravitate towards this opinion.
 
Nevertheless, in accordance with other camp, people who are at loggerheads wrangle that apartment lives bring various higher living standards and social awareness. An ideal illustrate to support this in action is that in India, most of apartment residences provide ultimate facilities namely swimming pool, gymnasium, garden, community clubs ans so on. Consequently, this facilitates dwellers in apartment house to get to know each other and develop their personal and social skills and enjoy really well in this inductive environment. Therefore, there is no surprise why many people show penchant towards this perception.
 
In synopsis, following the perusal of both viewpoints, it is lucid that residing in an apartment has more pros than cons. Further, it is prognosticated that more and more people in the future will prefer to dwelling in high-rise building because of the salient features offered and government will take some redial actions to ensure the protection of dwellers.

4-POINT CRITIQUE
TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to provide both points of view. You gave concrete examples to support your arguments. However, wordcount is 390. Reduce to 250-265 words to save time and minimize errors.
LEXICAL RESOURCE
Vocabulary is varied but avoid technical vocabulary and wordiness as not to affect comprehension of the paragraphs e.g. prognosticated, perusal, predilection, loggerheads.
COHERENCE AND COHESION
Good transition words such as consequently, further, therefore. However, improve organization by using the 5-paragraph format:
Introduction
Body Paragraph 1- Agree 1
Body Paragraph 2 – Agree 2
Body Paragraph 3 – Disagree 1
GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
There are some grammar errors:
To residing, ideal illustrate, ans so on, prefer to dwelling, redial actions.

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For Further Reading,
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