Thursday, August 2, 2012

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #83



The following IELTS Writing essay is from Ray of China. He writes about his views on arts and its effect on people’s quality of life.

Many people think arts like painting and music can not directly improve people's quality of life therefore government should spend money on other things. 

The issue of  whether government should spend money on arts such as painting and music is a frequent topic of discussion when people try to solve the problem concerning public warefare and government responsibility.Some people argue that arts like painting and music fail to directly improve people's quality of life and consequently government should allocate money on other things like infrastructures to promote people's quality of life.

Clearly,there're risks involved for the government to invest on arts,the most essential of which being the performance price ratio of such investment.In comparison to building infrastructures for the local community,the improvement of arts tends to be far more demanding in terms of money.Arts investment  includes establishIng corresponding education system and training professional teachers apart from building classrooms and purchasing instruments and equipments  ,which requires long-run financial support from the government and is definitely a heavy burden on their budget.Furthermore,although many people has passion for these arts, the vast majority in china would agree that these things are not as important as food, shelter or clothes.Spending money on satisfying those urgent needs is definitely a wiser choice than on arts.

Even so,the advantages of spending money on arts can not be overlooked.The most critical positive effect of that investing is  the society cohesion enhanced by  arts.Arts like  music and painting are part of our culture and culture gives identity to the country.As a result, we should embrace the works of the hands of our countrymen.By appreciating arts ,individuals from different parts of the nation could feel connected and related.Moreover,arts like music and painting can  help us release tension and express our emotions. As humans, most of us find an outlet for our creative and emotinal sides  and  the best way to express this is through arts like music and painting.

As far as I am concerned,our  government is responsible for improving  the quality of people's lives both physically and spiritually,therefore proper amount of money should be allocated wisely on arts to promote the prospects of local culture.Only by this can we progress our society in a more balanced and more sustainable way.otherwise we would lost ourselves in the urbanization process and get isolated from each other.

Wordcount: 362
4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to state clearly your position on government funding for the arts. However, wordcount is 362. Reduce to 250-265 words to minimize errors and to save time.

LEXICAL RESOURCE
Good vocabulary range: allocated, long-run financial support, overlooked.

COHERENCE AND COHESION
You’ve made use of good transition words to connect sentences and paragraphs: otherwise, moreover, furthermore. However, improve clarity of paragraphs by having only one main point per paragraph. Improve organization by using the 5-paragraph format:
Introduction
Body Paragraph 1
Body Paragraph 2
Body Paragraph 3
Conclusion

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
There are a number of grammar errors found: there’re, would lost
Split run-on sentences into two and remove redundant phrases:
“Some people argue that arts like painting and music fail to directly improve people's quality of life and consequently government should allocate money on other things like infrastructures to promote people's quality of life.”

“Arts investment  includes establishIng corresponding education system and training professional teachers apart from building classrooms and purchasing instruments and equipments  ,which requires long-run financial support from the government and is definitely a heavy burden on their budget.”

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For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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