following IELTS Writing essay is from Ray of China. He writes about his views
on arts and its effect on people’s quality of life.
people think arts like painting and music can not directly improve people's
quality of life therefore government should spend money on other things.
The issue of whether
government should spend money on arts such as painting and music is a frequent
topic of discussion when people try to solve the problem concerning public
warefare and government responsibility.Some people argue that arts like
painting and music fail to directly improve people's quality of life and
consequently government should allocate money on other things like
infrastructures to promote people's quality of life.
Clearly,there're risks involved
for the government to invest on arts,the most essential of which being the
performance price ratio of such investment.In comparison to building
infrastructures for the local community,the improvement of arts tends to be far
more demanding in terms of money.Arts investment includes establishIng
corresponding education system and training professional teachers apart from
building classrooms and purchasing instruments and equipments ,which
requires long-run financial support from the government and is definitely a
heavy burden on their budget.Furthermore,although many people has passion for
these arts, the vast majority in china would agree that these things are not as
important as food, shelter or clothes.Spending money on satisfying those urgent
needs is definitely a wiser choice than on arts.
Even so,the advantages of
spending money on arts can not be overlooked.The most critical positive effect
of that investing is the society cohesion enhanced by arts.Arts
like music and painting are part of our culture and culture gives
identity to the country.As a result, we should embrace the works of the hands
of our countrymen.By appreciating arts ,individuals from different parts of the
nation could feel connected and related.Moreover,arts like music and painting can
help us release tension and express our emotions. As humans, most of us
find an outlet for our creative and emotinal sides and the best way
to express this is through arts like music and painting.
As far as I am concerned,our
government is responsible for improving the quality of people's
lives both physically and spiritually,therefore proper amount of money should
be allocated wisely on arts to promote the prospects of local culture.Only by
this can we progress our society in a more balanced and more sustainable
way.otherwise we would lost ourselves in the urbanization process and get
isolated from each other.
You were able to state
clearly your position on government funding for the arts. However, wordcount is
362. Reduce to 250-265 words to minimize errors and to save time.
Good vocabulary range:
allocated, long-run financial support, overlooked.
COHERENCE AND COHESION
You’ve made use of good
transition words to connect sentences and paragraphs: otherwise, moreover,
furthermore. However, improve clarity of paragraphs by having only one main
point per paragraph. Improve organization by using the 5-paragraph format:
Body Paragraph 1
Body Paragraph 2
Body Paragraph 3
GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
There are a number of
grammar errors found: there’re, would lost
Split run-on sentences into
two and remove redundant phrases:
people argue that arts like painting and music fail to directly improve
people's quality of life and consequently government should allocate money on
other things like infrastructures to promote people's quality of life.”
investment includes establishIng corresponding education system and
training professional teachers apart from building classrooms and purchasing
instruments and equipments ,which requires long-run financial support
from the government and is definitely a heavy burden on their budget.”
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