Wednesday, June 20, 2012

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #82



The following essay was written by Phuong Mai. The essay discusses the benefits of social skills over qualifications.

Topic: Employers now tend to prefer employees with good social skills in addition to good qualifiations.Social skills are getting more and more important compared to qualifications. Do you agree or disagree?

        It is undeniable that social skills is more and more crucial in job requirements at workplace. Today, employees who possess clever social skills may gain stronger impression of employers than those with good qualifications. Therefore, many believe that social skills far outweigh qualifications. In my opinion, I strongly agree with this viewpoint because of some following reasons.
        Firstly, getting good social skills plays an important part in creating harmonious working environment. Actually, it is obvious that high competitiveness and envy are invariably available at workpalces. Besides, the enormous volume of work can put workers under much pressure and make them in bad temper.Therefore, if people behave impolitely and do not give encouraging remarks to their colleagues, heated arguments are likely to be arised. Consequently, employees suffer from more excessive stress.
        Secondly, social skills can boost profitable business. This benefit is evident in jobs in a banking organization. When a customer approaches the bank for applying for a loan, if the staff are friendly and enthusiastic in instructing procedures, he or her will feel comfortable. Hence, it is likely that the bank can draw a lot of customers in the future and make a fortune.
        Some people argue that employees who get excellent qualifications should be taken priority over those with good interpersonal skills. However, this opinion is seemingly superficial because if they can not communicate and behave effectively, chances of entering prestigious companies and showing their extensive knowledge are slim.
        In conclusion, acquiring good social skills is more dominant than getting excellent qualifications because it makes working environment comfotable. Besides it helps business to earn a lot of money.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to argue on the importance of social skills over qualifications. You gave supporting details to prove your stand.

LEXICAL RESOURCE
Vocabulary is varied: prestigious, superficial, excessive stress, extensive knowledge.

COHERENCE AND COHESION
Good transition words: firstly, secondly, in conclusion, therefore. Paragraphs are clear, logical and to the point.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
There are some grammar errors: social skills is, social skills plays,  comfotable, to be arised, workpalces, make them in bad temper,  makes working environment.

For a free makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com.


For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

0 comments:

 

Woman Behind A Teacher's Odyssey

My name is Miracel Juanta and I write ATeachersOdyssey to help students and teachers create better English. I have been in the teaching profession for more than 10 years. My field of expertise includes ESL,IELTS,TOEFL,Business English etc. If you have questions about English, feel free to email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com or add my twitter @msjuanta.