Wednesday, June 13, 2012

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #81



The following essay is from Minh Hang. The essay discusses the advantages of a university degree vs. work experience.

Topic: Many people say that the only way to guarantee getting a good job is to complete a course of university education. Others claim that it is better to start work after school and gain experience in the world of work. How far do you agree or disagree with the above views?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.


      It is undeniable that job market is more and more challenging today which draws considerable attention of people. There is a school of thoughts that getting tertiary education is the only way to get a great job. However, others hold that starting work after school to have hands-on experience is more important. In my opinion, I strongly agree that taking further study at university is the most wise choice for future career viability.

       Firstly, having a degree of bachelor is highly likely to give students a distinct advantage when seeking for well-paid jobs. Actually, college qualification is considered as official indicator of students’ ability to master professional knowledge as well as commitment and self-discipline in a four-year course. Moreover, many employers are impressed by candidates with university qualifications than those with only high school ones. Therefore, attending university may boost students’chances of being accepted into prestigious companies.
     
 Secondly, it is obvious that universities are favourable environment for enhancing specialized knowledge. In fact, they include large libraries storing a wide range of  valuable books in different fields which are not available outside campus. For example, library in Law University in Vietnam contains rare documents which can not be found anywhere in this country. Besides, lecturers with abundant teaching experience and outstanding knowledge enables students thorough analysis of aspects in their majors and help them tackle problems in studying process.

      Some students argue that some famous people such as Bill Gates and Steve Jobs still have brilliant career without completing a university course. Nevertheless, this viewpoint is seemingly superficial because if students do not dig deep into knowledge , they will not have enough essential skills to work efficiently in the future.
 
    In conclusion, getting higher education in university may give people many opportunity of getting good jobs because it provides ideal conditions for students to acquire extensive knowledge. Moreover, bachelor’s degree is often highly aprreciated.

 Wordcount: 314

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to explain both points of view and you were able to state clearly your point on the advantages of having a degree. You gave concrete examples to support your stand. However, wordcount is 314. Reduce to 250-265 words to save time and minimize errors.

LEXICAL RESOURCE
Attempts to show range of vocabulary are observed but some are misused: school of thoughts, most wise choice. Other good vocabulary: tertiary education, hands-on experience, superficial, distinct advantage. There is also a tendency to be wordy: Besides, lecturers with abundant teaching experience and outstanding knowledge enables students thorough analysis of aspects in their majors and help them tackle problems in studying process.


COHERENCE AND COHESION
Good range of transition words used: firstly, secondly, in conclusion, moreover. Paragraphs are organized and logical.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
There are some grammar errors: appreciated, lack of articles e.g. bachelor’s degree is often, universities are favorable, that job market.

For a free makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com.


For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

0 comments:

 

Woman Behind A Teacher's Odyssey

My name is Miracel Juanta and I write ATeachersOdyssey to help students and teachers create better English. I have been in the teaching profession for more than 10 years. My field of expertise includes ESL,IELTS,TOEFL,Business English etc. If you have questions about English, feel free to email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com or add my twitter @msjuanta.