Monday, June 4, 2012

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #80



The following IELTS Writing Makeover is from Samina. She writes about her thoughts on food quality due to technology.
The range and quality of food that we can buy has changed because of technological and scientific advances. Some people regard this change as an improvement, while others believe that it is harmful.
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.


Today, the food technology has revolutionized the various varieties and standard of food people consume .It is debated whether technology or science brings more benefits than drawback, my view is that advantages outweigh the disadvantages This essay will look at both sides of the argument.


On the one hand, there are many benefits of technological developments in food and beverage industry. Farmers can produce crops that grow faster. Genetically modified crops are more resistant to disease, drought and insect, and it results in more production and more profit. For example, Pusa Institute of Agriculture in New Delhi, India, has introduced a variety of wheat that can grow faster and increase the production 75% more than other species of wheat. As this shows that advances in technology is a positive sign of boosting production. Thus, it is concluded from this example that technological and scientific innovations in food industry are worthwhile.


On the other hand, there are many negatives of these advances in food technology as well. Many people do not trust the processed or genetically modified foods. They prefer organic foods which are produced without chemicals, and growing crops without fertilizers and pesticides is environmentally friendly. For example, a friend of mine in Saudi Arabia, is always buying fresh vegetables and meat instead of frozen foods, and as a result of consuming fresh foods, he is having no signs of rheumatoid disease. As this shows that preserved foods do not have much nutrients. Thus, it is clear that processed food is unhealthy.


Following this look at this discussion, it has been shown that the innovations in food technology are enhancing the quality of life. It is believed that advances in food technology bringing more benefits than drawbacks. It is predicted that these developments in food and beverage industry will continue to be used in safe way.


4-POINT CRITIQUE


TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You gave both sides of the issue and gave clearly your stand on food technology. You gave concrete examples to boost your arguments.


LEXICAL RESOURCE
Good range of vocabulary words: advances, pesticides, consuming, rheumatoid disease.


COHERENCE AND COHESION
Good transition words: on the one hand, for example, thus, on the other hand. Paragraphs are clear, logical and to the point.


GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
There are some minor errors but they do not affect communication: in (a) safe way.


For a free writing makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com.


For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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