Wednesday, April 25, 2012

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #79



The following IELTS writing essay was written by Ziauhl and she writes about expensive weddings.
Nowadays, people are spending increasingly large amounts of money on their marriage parties.  Many people feel large and expensive weddings cause problems for the bride and groom.  Do you agree?  Use personal examples in your response.
In today’s world, many couples often aspire to throw lavish wedding parties to celebrate with their friends and families.  However, often these parties put a strain on newly married couple. It is possible to say that huge spending on the marriage celebrations can cause difficulties for brides and grooms. This will be proven by looking at how excessive wedding ceremonies affect the newlyweds financially and cause the entire gathering to be somewhat unrealistic in nature.
Firstly, many people often create problems for themselves when they spend excessive amounts of money on their matrimonial ceremonies. An instance illustrating this in action is that some friends of mine in Norway borrowed huge amount of money to pay for an expensive marriage, which was held in 1996. Following their matrimonial ceremonies, they have to pay every penny of their earning to their debt continuously for two years. This money could better be used for building a better life for them. Thus, it is understandable that problems can arise for those who spend huge amount of money on their weddings.
In addition to this, huge and expensive wedding can cause the occasion to be somewhat unnatural.
For example, I once attended a very large wedding in India.  Perhaps, it was a most beautiful and expensive matrimonial ceremony, I have ever seen. The guests list was so large, that is why I could not give my wishes to newly married couple.  These newlyweds later on regret for not being able to see guests. Thus, it is clear from this example that large weddings can cause problems for both husbands and wives.
In conclusion, it has been proven that expensive weddings can cause difficulties for newly married individuals.  Thus, it is predicted that people will take into account the advantages and drawbacks of spending extreme amount  on their marriage celebrations.
Wordcount: 304
TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to give the effects of expensive weddings to couples and you cited personal examples to prove your point. However, your wordcount is 304. Reduce to 250-265 words to save time.
LEXICAL RESOURCE
You have a good range of vocabulary: put a strain, matrimonial, lavish.
COHERENCE AND COHESION
Good transition words: in conclusion, in addition to this, for example. Structure needs improvement. Avoid one sentence paragraphs. Follow five-paragraph structure:
Introduction
Body Paragraph 1 – Agree
Body Paragraph 2 – Agree
Body Paragraph 3 – Disagree
Conclusion
GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
Grammar errors are minor and do not affect comprehension: my wishes to newly married couple.
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For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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