Wednesday, April 11, 2012

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #77



The following IELTS Writing Makeover is from Kien. The essay compares internet with newspapers.

With the rise in popularity of the internet, newspapers will soon become a thing of the past. To what extent do you agree or disagree?                                                                                                          

                                Nowadays,the internet is considered to be indispensable for many people sincce it seems to provide endless information . It is clear that the internet increasingly dominates newspapers which are ,as defined in Macmillan English dictionary,    sets of printed sheets of folded papers containing daily news, or information....But can internet completely replace newspaper?

                              First of all, we must acknowledge that the internet helps us exploit plentiful sources of information effortlessly . Today, with a computer  connected to internet, you can access thousands of websites which enable you to widen your knowledge. And you, obviously, are attracted by infinitely vivid information in  various fields such as education, sports, health and so on. Moreover, it is extremely easy to get the topics you like just by clicking the links on the screen. More importantly, the information is always updated. As soon as the news is uploaded, you can have it.

                              Then, the internet utilization is more and more convenient these days, thanking for the assistance of high technology. Apart from computers and laptops, many other electronic devices such as ipads, mobilephones... are equiped with fuctions of accessing the internet.Therefore, people are really encouraged to surf the internet more.

                              Although the internet is showing its strong advantages today, it can not defeat newspaper completely. The first reason is that it entirely relies on electronic appliances. If there are no computers, no ipads, no mobilephones, there is no internet. Also, even if there are kinds of electronic things, but the internet cable is damaged, there is no internet. So, reading newspapers is still the effective way to get information. The second reason may be of people who do not want their eyes to be harmed by contacting  with electronic version. They are sure to choose printed papers in stead of surfing the internet. These are reasons why newspapers never become history.

                              In conclusion, the birth of the internet has been minifying newspapers because of its great advantages. However, I have more trust that it never makes newspaper disappear off our planet.

WORDCOUNT: 336

TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to give the advantages of both the newspaper and the internet. However, your wordcount is 336. Reduce to 250-265 words to save time and minimize errors. 

LEXICAL RESOURCE
Vocabulary is varied: surfing, internet cable, indispensable.

COHERENCE AND COHESION
There are a number of transition words used: then, therefore, also, although. You used the 5-paragraph format. However, there are too many points in one paragraph. Each paragraph should only have one main point for clarity purposes.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
 There are some grammar and spelling errors: sincce, equiped, fuctions, minifying.
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For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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