Tuesday, April 10, 2012

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #76



The following IELTS Writing Makeover is from Vishal. He writes a letter to the city council about a historical building in their town.

 
There is a historical building in your town and the city council wants to pull it down, because there is no money for repairs. You are not happy with this decision. Write a letter to the city council and say – Why is the building important? – Suggest a solution to finance the repairs.


 

Dear Sir/Madam,

 
My name is Vishal from Edgecliff, Sydney. I am writing this letter to bring to your attention to council's latest assessment on bringing down Town hall.

 
Until quite recently, I had a great faith in local governing body's decision making ability. Unfortunately, the recent resolution of building a shopping centre by pulling Town hall down does not make any sense to me. During my stay, I invariably found that it was has been built on rare architect and it is the last monument of its kind in entire Australia. Further to add, this is the oldest building of our suburb and home for numerous charity organizations.

 
It might be hard for municipality to arrange required finance for maintenance purpose. However, it is not impossible.  Local government can diverse funds by limiting sponsorship to less important events, for example, weekly footy game. Moreover, there should be reasonable access fee as well if people want to use it for social gathering functions. [Extra Start] I strongly believe that it will raise required awareness among junta and will give council enough time to have another look into this.[Extra End]

 
Thank you very much for your time and consideration. I appreciate your concern and I look forward to your response.

 
Yours faithfully,
Vishal

 
Wordcount: 211
TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to give reasons why the building is important. You provided solutions to avert the pulling down of Town Hall. However, your wordcount is 211. Reduce to 150-165 words to minimize errors.
LEXICAL RESOURCE
Vocabulary is varied but some words are inappropriate: junta, diverse, architect. Avoid wordiness and use more straightforward language : in local governing body's decision making ability.

COHERENCE AND COHESION
Paragraphs are clear, logical and to the point. There are a number of transition words used: moreover, for example, further to add.
GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
There are minor grammar errors but they don't impede in comprehension: a great faith.
For a free IELTS writing makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com. Or buy my e-book 30 Days to a Better IELTS Writing for only $6.99.

 


For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

3 comments:

 

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