Sunday, April 8, 2012

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #74



The following IELTS writing makeover was written by Dalib. He writes about his lost bag.

Write a thank you letter to the public transport authority about the manager who helped you to find something you lost and say
- What did you lose?
- Why was it so important to you?
- How did the manager help you find it?

Dear Sir,

I am writing to appreciate the work done by Mr James homes to recover my lost bag.

Last month I was on a business trip and on 26th March, I was travelling from Mumbai to Delhi by Mumbai Express train. During this journey, someone stole my suitcase which had very important documents related to my business. Since it was a night journey and my berth was an upper berth, I had locked my suitcase under the lower berth before I left for my berth. But when I can down at Kohla station to have some drinks, I realised that my suitcase was not there. I immediately went to Mr. James as he was the station master of that stop and registered a case of stealing. He took all my details and advised me to continue my journey.

When I reached to Delhi, I called Mr James to follow up on the case. But after couple of weeks, I lost the hope of getting the suitcase back. But last Saturday, I received a call from Mr James and he told me that my suitcase had been found. While talking to him, I came to know he was constantly and closing monitoring the case.

I really want to thank him for his efforts and dedication on the case and I feel he is a desorbing person. You must consider him for bigger roles in your organisation.

Yours faithfully,
Dalib

Wordcount: 239

TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to give concrete details about the lost bag and what the manager did to recover it. However, the reasons why it's important is limited. Wordcount is 239. Limit it to 150-165 to save time and minimize errors.


LEXICAL RESOURCE
Vocabulary is fair: registered, station master.


COHERENCE AND COHESION
Transition words are repetitive and minimal: but. Organization needs improvement. Use the 3-paragraph format:
Introduction-purpose
Body-reasons for the importance of the lost bag
Conclusion – action done by the manager


GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ORGANIZATION
There are some grammar errors: desorbing, closing monitoring.


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For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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