Thursday, April 5, 2012

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #73



The following IELTS essay is from Ha Nguyen. The essay shows the reasons why there is an increase in violence among the youth today.

Topic:
Recent figures show an increase in violent increase crime among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning they need from parents and teachers.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion.

It is obvious that our modern lives today have experienced a considerable rise in teenage violence, especially for those under the age of eighteen. Some psychologists attribute this situation to the responsibility of teachers and parents. In fact, they do not provide children with necessary social and emotion knowledge.As far as I am concerned, I strongly agree with this opinion because of some following reasons.


Firstly, it is undeniable that many teachers are in favour of old-fashioned approach to student's academic performance. This means that they only put emphasis on knowledge in main subjects such as literature, maths, history, biology and neglect to convey pratical knowledge in reality. For example, a large number of students may be outstanding in their disciplines but they do not have full awareness of violence's definition, potential causes as well as severe consequences. As a result, lack of realistic perception creeps up on children to commit violent crimes.


Secondly, some parents does not give their children essential support in daily lives. Actually, the dizzying pace of lives makes parents be flooded with an enormous volume of work and robs them of time to take care of children. Being devoid of love and sympathy can make children be cruel and unsociable to others. Moreover, getting out of parent's control may expose children to damaging websites including rebellious actions. They easily imitate what they see and behave in negative ways.


In conclusion, teachers and parents are largely responsible for the popularity of violence among younsters. In fact, they do not help chidren dig deep into knowlegde about violence and give them necessary attention. If these matters are still common, level of teenage violence is more and more escalating.

Wordcount: 281

TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to achieve the task by giving your reasons why you agree that violence stems from lack of parental and teacher control. You gave concrete examples to prove your point. However, your wordcount is 281. Reduce to 250-265 words to save time and minimize errors.

LEXICAL RESOURCE
You have a wide vocabulary range: dig deep, dizzying pace of lives, devoid of love, realistic perception.

COHERENCE AND COHESION
There are a number of transition words used: as a result, firstly, secondly, for example, in conclusion. However, it would be better if you use the five-paragraph format:
Introduction
Body Paragraph 1 – Agree
Body Paragraph 2 – Agree
Body Paragraph 3 – Disagree
Conclusion

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are some grammar errors: some parents does not give, younsters, knowlegde.

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If you want a free makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com or buy my e-book 30 days to a Better IELTS writing. J


 


For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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