Tuesday, November 1, 2011

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #72



The following essay discusses the reasons why we need music.
Q:-There are many different types of music in the world today, why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard every where nowadays?
Ans:-
Music plays vital role in development and creativity of our mind. Its popularity among people has contributed towards its diversity. However, international music is more famous nowadays, but it is agreed that traditional music has more significance over earlier due to its origination and diversity.
To begin with, it is generally argued that traditional music has laid foundation for other forms of music. For example, Early Indian settlers started singing only tones, which further have been added with words. Initially, people started to sing and dance with limited knowledge of tones and musical instruments, owing to the fact that they have taken first step to produce and improve level of music. Thus, it is clear that traditional music has more implications over international music.
Secondly, supporters often believe that diversity of traditional music depicts unique identity of an ethnic group. For instance, In Indian festival called, "Holi" people used to have bonfire and offers prayers in a pleasant rhythmic way, eventually, developing it into a complete musical and colorful event. Every folk music has place for all sort of events of life i.e. Birth, festivals, engagement, marriage, day to day events, demise, hope, love and nature etc. As a result, such diversity in cultural music reflects richness of culture and local customs.
After analyzing traditional music's foundational and cultural aspects, it has been proven that it has great importance over international music which makes it stand out from the crowd. Thus, it is hoped that forthcoming generations will always continue to appreciate folk music in order to preserve true musical essence.
4-POINT CRITIQUE
TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to achieve the task by giving the advantages of traditional music over international music. However, you didn't provide the reasons why we need music. Add another paragraph focusing on the uses of music to make it five paragraphs.
LEXICAL RESOURCE
Vocabulary is varied: diversity, implications, rhythmic, demise. However, change "origination" to "origin."
COHERENCE AND COHESION
Paragraphs are clear, logical and organized. Good use of transition words: secondly, thus, for instance, as a result.
GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
No grammar errors noted.
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For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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