Tuesday, October 18, 2011

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #71


The following letter was written by Sharon.

You recently bought a piece of equipment for your kitchen but it did not work. You phoned the shop but no action was taken.Write a letter to the shop manager. In your letter

• describe the problem with the equipment

• explain what happened' when you phoned the shop

• say what you would like the manager to do.

Dear sir or madam,

This letter is in relation to a complaint regarding a microwave oven purchased by me from your shop.

The equipment bearing item number A765 was purchased last week on 9 October 2011 and the same was delivered by your staff at my home. Upon delivery, I tried to operate it; however, the moment I plugged it in to the socket a big short circuit occurred. I immediately called your customer service department and informed them about this problem. They took all the necessary details and assured me that they will send a personnel to survey the same and based on his survey an appropriate action would be taken. However, a week has passed now and no action has been taken yet, in spite of the fact that I called your department numerous times.

I would appreciate if you could kindly look in to the matter and escalate the process. Further, since the item is under warranty, I would prefer it being replaced rather than being repaired.

I hope to hear from you soon and expect that my matter would be resolved on an urgent basis.

Yours faithfully,

Sharon Murali

Wordcount: 197

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to achieve the task by giving the details about the broken microwave and what happened during the phone call. However, your wordcount is 197. Reduce to 150-165 words.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is varied: personnel, socket, circuit. "Escalate" should be "expedite".

COHERENCE AND COHESION

Points are clear and logical. There were some transition words used: further, however. Improve organization by using the 3-paragraph format:

Introduction-problem with equipment

Body-what happened when you called

Conclusion-action required

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There were no grammar errors noted.

If you want a free makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com.


For Further Reading,

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Woman Behind A Teacher's Odyssey

My name is Miracel Juanta and I write ATeachersOdyssey to help students and teachers create better English. I have been in the teaching profession for more than 10 years. My field of expertise includes ESL,IELTS,TOEFL,Business English etc. If you have questions about English, feel free to email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com or add my twitter @msjuanta.