Wednesday, June 29, 2011

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #69


The following essay is from Sujitra from Thailand. The essay discusses the influence of advertising on higher sales of consumer products.

Topic :

Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, some people believe advertising have much more impact to consumer behavior. Particularly, it persuades them to buy luxuries goods that are not necessary for their life. However, others think the advertising is not the main factor which makes people consume popular consumer goods. In this essay, I discuss both of view, although I am also aware that every one would agree with this opinion.

On the one hand, some people think TV advertising has not much effect for buyers. This is because people in this age receive much information which makes them have enough analytical thinking. Consequently, they can use it to distinguish advantages or disadvantages results. Apparently, when people watch TV which is promoting consumer goods, they will think twice and check details of products such as quality, price or durability before deciding to buy.

On the other hand, others believe advertising have much more power that can convince people to purchase goods even it is not necessary for their life. In my opinion, the main purpose of advertisement is sailing, so it will try every way which make people pay money to buy them. It appears that some people use the brand name bag which is very expensive especially its function is not different from an ordinary bag. However, the advertising is successful to convince consumers even some people will be a debtor.

In conclusion, in my opinion, people should realize that while we are buying luxuries, there are many people have not money to buy foods for supporting their life. Moreover, the goods which is not response our real needs, they will be the waste that makes pollution for our world in the future.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You discussed both views about the power of advertising's influence on high sales of consumer goods. However, the conclusion is illogical and doesn't reflect the main points in your body.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

There are some words which are redundant e.g. pay money to buy them. There are also some words which are wrongly used: sailing.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

You've made use of transition words such as “however”, “on one hand”, “on the other hand”, “in conclusion”. Paragraphs are generally organized but add one more paragraph to make use of the 5-paragraph format.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are some awkward sentences and subject-verb errors which need revision:

  • there are many people have not money to buy foods for supporting their life;

  • the goods which is not response our real needs.

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For Further Reading,
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