Sunday, May 29, 2011

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #68


The following essay was written by Yusuf and he discusses about the changes in the position of women over the years.

The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children.

In recent times,women have been facing increased challenges in all fields.They are not only criticized at work,but also at home.They have been accused of being fully responsible for the prospective behaviour of their own children.This does not only apply to single parent mothers,but also to families with both parents.

I tend to disagree that all working mothers can not take care of their children. Parenthood should not be the sole responsibility of one parent only,but unfortunately mums are usually to be blamed whenever their offsprings fall in trouble.

There are certain jobs, which are dominated by women due to their motherly caring nature as in teaching,nursing or even social wokers.A lot of them are a real inspiration to the young generation,so it is totally unfair to contribute mother's work to the negativity which may be found in young adults.

Mothers who are working ,may not have other alternatives to earning money especially in single parent families.Also,the work experience as well as the sociable skills accomplished will certainly have a postive impact on the self esteem of such females who can thus serve as better mums.

I strongly believe that the quality of time spent with the children is much more valuable than the quantity itself.A lot of housewives may leave their kids infront of the TV ,the computers or videogames.Hence they are passively contributing in bringing them up.

On the other hand,many of the female full timers or part timers are intelligent enough to manage and plan their time efficiently.Believing in the significant value of the limited hours they spend with their sons and daughters,will definitely push them to plan many events in advance and to make the best of it.So,it is not unusual to find them sharing their children or even teens in reading or even playing outdoor .

Consequently,the length of time spent by women at home could never be the only factor considered to predict the juvenile sociable behaviour.The amount of attention these youngsters are getting is absolutely more influencing on both the short and the long terms.In other words ,a dedicated mother could be a working mother or a housewife.

Word count: 354

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to give strong arguments supporting the position of women, however, your word count is 354. Reduce the number of words between 250-265 words.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is varied: dominated, juvenile, passively, alternatives.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

There are a number of transition words used: consequently, hence, so, also, but. Organization needs work as there are too many paragraphs. Stick to only 5 paragraphs.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are some spelling errors: postive, wokers.

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For Further Reading,
IELTS

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Woman Behind A Teacher's Odyssey

My name is Miracel Juanta and I write ATeachersOdyssey to help students and teachers create better English. I have been in the teaching profession for more than 10 years. My field of expertise includes ESL,IELTS,TOEFL,Business English etc. If you have questions about English, feel free to email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com or add my twitter @msjuanta.