Sunday, May 29, 2011

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #66


The following essay was written by Melorin. He discusses about freedom of expression.

Question: creative artists should always be given the freedom to express their own ideas(in words, pictures,music or film) in whichever way they wish.There should be no government restrictions on what they do.

In some countries like Iran government decides about the subjects that artists should work on. However, this is the right of the artists to create their masterpiece as it is, and without any kind of censorship.

From my point of view freedom must be returned to the society of artists. They should express their feelings by the means of their gifted skills. If someone forces them to create their crafts in a particular subject,their artistic production will not be natural and meaningful anymore.

For example political issues must not be forbidden in movies, stories, poetry, cartoons, and so on. Nude sculptures and paintings also should not be banned by political organizations.As they all show the feelings and art of a nation or at least a group of people.

Musical items must be free as well.the country's policy must not prohibit playing them due to religious reasons. Since music is one of the most delightful ways of sharing inner potentials with listeners. Both listeners and producers of the music share their feelings by playing it. One plays the instruments and the other plays the button. One speaks the notes language and the other speaks the body language, I mean dance.

To conclude, all aspects of art should be allowed to exist in any subject and by any tools that their creator wishes. Thus people will feel free to share their opinions and open the window of their hearts to public. For instance if someone feels like criticizing the politics by drawing cartoons, they should not take him to jail.This can also be useful for improving the rules and policy if the politicians care about their ideas in order to develop.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You only gave one main reason why creative expression should be encouraged. The 3rd and 4th paragraph started with examples instead of topic sentences.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Some vocabulary words are repetitive: play, feel, free. There are some inappropriate word choice: musical items.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

There are a number of transition words used: however, for example, to conclude, thus, for instance. Essay is generally organized with the use of the 5-paragraph format.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are some grammatical errors: "in some countries like Iran government decides" and missing commas.


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For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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