Tuesday, May 24, 2011

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #65



The following essay is from Ahmed and he discusses about spending on health education.


"Prevention is better than cure." Out of a country's health budget, a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to spending on health education and preventative measures.


To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?


I totatlly agree that ,prevention is better than cure.There is usually an enormous amount of health budget directed to the treatment of various diseases affecting different age groups of the population.Unfortunately,a smaller budget goes to the health education and preventative measures.


In recent times,causes to common diseases have been discovered,but the efforts were not enough to eradicate them.It is quite agreeable that ,obesity ,for example is the main cause of heart diseases as well as certain types of cancer.Smoking is another habit, which costs the countries a huge amount of money.It is the principal cause of not only lung cancer ,but also other fatal diseases.


Prevention of diseases is the ultimate solution to sparing the health and money of any nation.Educating school-age children about the consequences of living an unhealthy lifestyle may have a postive impact on their prospective health.Advertisement in the different media should encourage young adults to spending their leisure time in sport rather than, sitting infront of the screen most of the day.



Curing serious and long term diseases,which usually result from sedentary and unhealthy life style,may be a long and frustrating journey.Most of the budget of the national health service usually goes to the expensive treatments ,which could have been avoided by proper awareness.


Prevention of diseases will have a very postive effect on the whole society.It is not limitted to the financial savings but rather to the economical value on the whole society,where people who are seriously ill receive benefits for them and their families.Hence,creating a generation who is more consuming than producing.It is certainly worth ,supporting the preventative measures by all means.


4-POINT CRITIQUE


TASK ACHIEVEMENT


You gave a good introduction and conclusion where you made clear your stand. However, the supporting details are weak which do not prove why government should spend more on prevention.


LEXICAL RESOURCE


You demonstrated good range of vocabulary: obesity, eradicate, sedentary, consuming.


COHERENCE AND COHESION


There are a few transition words found: but, hence, for example. The paragraphs are generally organized but needs more coherence. Some examples are illogical.


GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY


There are some spelling errors: postive, limitted. There are some errors in punctuation particularly unnecessary commas.


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For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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