Friday, May 20, 2011

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #63


The following essay was written by Malni. He discusses about the pros and cons of fixed punishment.

Some people believe that there should be fixed punishments for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should always be taken into account when deciding on the punishment.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Answer:

Crime is an action which is illegal according to the law in the country committed by a single person or a group of people who are a threat to the community. Illegal Activities such as robberies, murders, rape cases and briberies are some of severe crimes which are rampant and have become the headlines of the country today. There are rules and regulations in the law to decide the punishment for each crime in order to minimize the number of crimes to establish a calm and peaceful environment.

If each and every crime has assigned a fixed punishment then due to the awareness of the severity of the punishment the criminal who expects to commit a crime will not involve himself in the crime because of the fear to be punished. Therefore it is a successful method to reduce the number of crimes. But it will be a actually injustice for a person who had committed a crime for self defense because it can not be considered as crime as it was unintentionally done by the person. If such person is given a punishment such as death sentence then an innocent person will lost his life and it will affect his family adversely.

Before deciding that the culprit is a criminal or not there should be stage to argue the circumstances of the crime and motivation of committing the crime because most of the time the culprit had done it unintentionally. Frequent road accidents are good illustrations for it since the drivers are not killers actually. But several people may lost their lives due to the fault of the driver and therefore it become a severe crime which result in a punishment such as to be in the jail for rest of the life.

Therefore in point of view having fixed punishments for each type of crime is important for a country with the flexibility of altering the final decision after a careful consideration of the circumstances and the motivations of a crime in order to release the innocent and punish the culprit for setting up a peaceful environment.

Word count: 349

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You gave your arguments on the importance of weighing the circumstances of the crime first. However, the conclusion is inconsistent with the above arguments. Your word count is also 349, reduce it to 250-265 words only.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Some of the words are repetitive: each and every crime, therefore in point of view, culprit is a criminal, rules and regulations in the law. There are also empty phrases which do not add value to the essay.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

There are some transition words used but they are repetitive: therefore, in order to, but. Organization needs improvement by using five paragraphs.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are a number of grammar errors found: every crime has assigned, will lost, affect his family adversely, may lost, it become, which result. Avoid also run-on sentences such as the last sentence in your essay.

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For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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