Friday, May 20, 2011

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #62


The following essay was written by Salma. She explains her thoughts on rich nations providing for the poor nations.


 

Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their

citizens themselves?


 

Countries all over the world differ not only in their languages or geographical places ,but also in their wealth.Some countries are fortunate enough to have natural resources,which definitely help them to be rich.On the other hand,other countries are too heavily populated to depend on their own resources thus,becoming poorer nations.


 

It is a frequent argument whether it is the responsibility of the richer societies to help the poorer ones ,or it is the sole responsibility of their own governments. Contributions may not  necessarily be provided as donations but they could be food ,clothes or even educational scholarships.


 

I strongly agree,that life will be much easier and more pleasant if people help each other.Supplying poorer countries with their essentials and working together to raise the standard of living  will certainly have its positive impact on both the fortune-less and the posh  societies .Children living under poverty and low socio-economical circumstances may grow hating other richer countries which could have helped them,but did not.Thus ,a new generation full of despise and hatred to  high socioeconomic population will develop.


 

Many rich countries suffer from the enormous amount of food waste they have to get rid of,whereas food shortage is one of the main causes of death in vast areas of Africa.So, food donations from the richer regions to the poorer ones could be a very wise solution to both sides. 


 

Many of the tax payers in the wealthy countries blame the government of the poor areas , claiming it should be their prime responsibility to take care of their citizens .However,Such payers ignore the fact, that it is not always affordable to meet the people's need when the resources are very restricted and the necessity of the external  help is unavoidable.Moreover,tax payers may be  too blind to visualize the positive outcome of such help on their own rich countries.  It is not uncommon,to find a lot of highly skilled workers moving from the developing countries to the developed ones,where they fill vital work gaps.    


 

I could not be more certain,that life is all about sharing and that it will be tasteless and valueless, if someone has everything and another has nothing.What is more fascinating is that the outcome is usually fruitful for those who grant and those who are granted. 


 

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to clearly give your arguments why rich nations should provide for the poor nations. You gave supporting details to prove your point.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You have a wide range of vocabulary: prime, restricted, socio-economic, posh. There is evidence of idiomatic language: payers may be too blind. However, it would be better to use less-fortunate rather than fortuneless.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

Points raised were clear and logical. You used a variety of transition words: moreover, thus, so, on the other hand. It would also be good to include transition words to link paragraphs. You can also improve on organization by limiting your essay to five paragraphs.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are only minor errors in terms of grammar particularly on punctuation. Remove commas where it is unnecessary.

If you want a free IELTS makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com.


For Further Reading,

0 comments:

 

Woman Behind A Teacher's Odyssey

My name is Miracel Juanta and I write ATeachersOdyssey to help students and teachers create better English. I have been in the teaching profession for more than 10 years. My field of expertise includes ESL,IELTS,TOEFL,Business English etc. If you have questions about English, feel free to email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com or add my twitter @msjuanta.