Saturday, May 14, 2011

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #61


The following essay was written by Moka. He writes about the advantages and disadvantages of computers.

Some people believe that computers are more a hindrance than a help in today's world. Others feel that they are such indispensable tools that they would not be able to live or work without them.

  • In what ways are computers a hindrance?
  • What is your opinion?

In recent times,computers have invaded most of,if not all, our dailylife.Computer applications are used worldwide in education sectors,health sectors,banks and even in different types of stores.

The rapid invasion of computers and their applications has not been quite welcomed by some people,who believe that their drawbacks has exceeded their benefits.Hence,such persons consider computers to be more a barrier than a help at the present time.

Computers may rob people's time and this is especially true in adolescents ,who prefer to spend hours infront of computer games where they are always heroes.This does not only waste their precious time ,but may also create adults, who may be self-focused,unsociable and uncreative.The negative effect of long computer hours on the health of the viewers is also tremendous, either on the eyes or on the neck and back.Online shopping ,though easier and time saving ,definitely encourages people to be more lazy .They may prefer online ordering rather than walking to their local shops.

In my opinion,Computers do have their advantages and disadvantages, but some people tend to focus on either sides.I believe, that we should respect all the achievements of the computers in the medical ,dental and engineering fields.Not to mention the ease of collecting information on a certain topic ,though not always reliable.Communication with friends ,peers or even work colleagues through electronic mails is faster and more economical compared with the traditional means.Therefore,it is all about moderation and proper usage of computers and it should be always kept in mind that it is a tool, which could be used to improve our life if not over or misused

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to justify your opinion about the advantages and disadvantages of computers. You cited concrete examples to support your views.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You have a wide range of vocabulary: online ordering, tremendous, drawbacks, applications. You were able to use a number of idiomatic language: rob people's time, invaded our life.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

There were some transition words used: but, hence, therefore, and though. Points are generally clear, however, the structure needs improvement. Better to use the five-paragraph format:

Introduction

Body Paragraph 1 – Advantage 1

Body Paragraph 2 – Advantage 2

Body Paragraph 3 – Disadvantage 1

Conclusion

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are only a few grammar mistakes found: "drawbacks has" and some unnecessary commas. You showed a wide range of grammar structures such as perfect tenses, passives, modal verbs.

If you want to have an IELTS makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com.



For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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Woman Behind A Teacher's Odyssey

My name is Miracel Juanta and I write ATeachersOdyssey to help students and teachers create better English. I have been in the teaching profession for more than 10 years. My field of expertise includes ESL,IELTS,TOEFL,Business English etc. If you have questions about English, feel free to email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com or add my twitter @msjuanta.