Tuesday, May 10, 2011

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #60


The following is an essay written by Sujittra from Thailand. She discusses whether talents are born or they can be taught.

Topic It is generally believed that some people are born with certain talents, for instance for sport or music, and others are not. However, it is sometimes claimed that any children can be taught to become a sports person or musician.

    Talents are the topic that is interesting among people especially some people believe children are born with definite gifts for example for sport and music. However, others think children can learn to be a professional musician and sports man without talents. In this essay, I will explain both of view. Personally, I am of an opinion that this is the case, although I am aware also that not everyone would agree with this opinion.

    Most people think the excellent athletes or the professional instrumentalists already have with born baby. For example, Betrothed who has been the famous musical is deaf but he could play piano because he had more talent. Moreover, some gift person who can do something more special than normal person come from their gene which indicate the success story of them such as strong body, smart brain or artistic mind.

    However, some people think success sports or musicians come from much more leaning and practicing. Importantly, it depends on an interesting and an attention also. Particularly, it should be supported by their parents. In my opinion, although some children have more talent in sport but they lack of encouraging or practicing, they will lose it soon. Conversely, if some children have more efforts and supports by adults, they will be success in the future.

    In conclusion, in my opinion we should not bring talent topic to limit the chance of human improvement. As one can see the reading information presented, I still personally believe that we should open evenly the window of opportunities for every person in this world: girls or boys, teenagers or older, disabilities or normal and talent or inability. If we deal this issue effectively, it will have a positive effect on the fabric of our society.

Word count: 293

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You explained both sides of the issue. However, some examples are inaccurate e.g. Bethroted. Your conclusion was illogical and you didn't make clear your personal stand on the issue. Word count is 193. Reduce it to 250-265 words.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

There is an attempt to use idiomatic language e.g. fabric of our society, window of opportunities. Wordiness is an issue in your essay as there are a number of empty phrases found.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

Essay is organized through the use of transition words: however, in conclusion, for example, moreover. However, some sentences are unclear e.g. Personally, I am of an opinion that this is the case, although I am aware also that not everyone would agree with this opinion.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are a number of grammar errors found: "talents are the topic that is", "both of view", "some gift person", "their gene which indicate", "supports", "be success". Revise the following run-on sentences:

-Particularly, it should be supported by their parents. In my opinion, although some children have more talent in sport but they lack of encouraging or practicing, they will lose it soon.

- As one can see the reading information presented, I still personally believe that we should open evenly the window of opportunities for every person in this world: girls or boys, teenagers or older, disabilities or normal and talent or inability.


 

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