Monday, May 2, 2011

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #59


The following essay was written by Julia from Malaysia. Here are her thoughts on today's generation vs. parents' generation.


 

Every generation of people is different in important ways. How is your generation different from your parents' generation? Use specific examples to explain your answer.


 

    Generation to generation evolved in terms of education, awareness and life concept. Thus, there are many contradict opinion over an issue between different generation. I usually experience this when discussing my future plan with my parents who happened to be classified as baby boomers generation. The common arguments between us linger between the benefit of technology and women's career development.

    As a generation Y, I appreciate the tremendous benefits brought by the technology to us. I counted this as blessing in my life. However, my parents do not feel the same way as I do. They perceived technology as a burden because they analyzed it in term of cost and complexity of the features in every technology born to this world. They strongly suggest that life would be a lot easier and simpler without the present of technology, which is definitely absurd to my generation. This is obvious evident how my parents' generation is different from my generation.

    Second issue that always heat up our discussion is women's career development. Both of my parents are still indulged themselves with glass ceiling phenomenon whereby they believed women has barrier to advancement in a profession and thus, lead them to second orthodox perception which is a sticky floor syndrome. They strongly advised me that women are only suitable to certain type of job such as nurse, teacher and clerk instead of engineer, doctors and entrepreneur. I, on the other hand, against this mind set and strongly feel this perception is ridiculous. After analyzing this, it is clear that each generation is different than one another.

    In conclusion, older generation my be a bit rigid towards changes that today brings as compared to younger generation. However, to live in harmony, a person should always compromise and try to agree to disagree.

Word count: 298

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to discuss two differences between your generation and your parents' generation. The introduction and conclusion need work. Remove the example in the introduction. Then, summarize all the differences in your conclusion. Your word count is 298, reduce it to 250-265 words.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is varied, however, there is too much wordiness: glass ceiling phenomenon, second orthodox perception, sticky floor syndrome.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

There is a variety of transition words used: however, on the other hand, in conclusion, thus. The essay is generally clear and organized but it would be better to use the 5-paragraph format. Add one more difference between your parents' generation and your generation.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are a number of grammar errors found: contradict opinion, different generation, present of technology, heat up, women has barrier, against this mindset. Avoid long sentences: Both of my parents are still indulged themselves with glass ceiling phenomenon whereby they believed women has barrier to advancement in a profession and thus, lead them to second orthodox perception which is a sticky floor syndrome.


 

For more information about the IELTS makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com


For Further Reading,

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Woman Behind A Teacher's Odyssey

My name is Miracel Juanta and I write ATeachersOdyssey to help students and teachers create better English. I have been in the teaching profession for more than 10 years. My field of expertise includes ESL,IELTS,TOEFL,Business English etc. If you have questions about English, feel free to email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com or add my twitter @msjuanta.