Thursday, April 21, 2011

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #58



 

The following essay is from Warapat from Thailand and the essay discusses about the role of parents in molding their children for society.

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.

Children need to be taught and given guidance so that they can grow up to be good members of our society. The two greatest institutions which hold this responsibility are families and schools. Parents teach children mostly since they are infants until they go to schools, while teachers are close to kids when they are older. Therefore, both of them are responsible to teach children equally but in different times.

As mentioned, parents are close to children most when they are in young ages. The teaching is always direct as it comes with raise. When parents bring children to hospitals they tend to teach children what disease is or what will happen when children do not want to brush their teeth. Parents also think it is their job to tell their children what is right or wrong.

On the other hand, teachers are likely to close to children when they are teenagers. As in this time, children become strained from their parents and like to spend more time with their friends or at schools. Apart from teaching academic knowledge, teachers are involved with teaching children in indirect ways. Teachers guide children through the award/punishment system more than telling them directly how to behave. Teachers will give marks or compliments when children do something good like picking up trash or get perfect scores. However, children will be punished if they have fights with others.

In conclusion, children are the future members in the society. Their behaviors heavily depend on what they have learnt in childhood. As a result, parents and teachers' teachings reflect our future society.


 

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to achieve the task by giving both sides of the coin. You gave a good introduction and made a clear conclusion of your point of view.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is varied e.g. "institutions", "strained" , "academic knowledge". However, there are some wrong word choices e.g. award = reward.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

The organization is clear and logical. You used a variety of transition words such as "as mentioned", "on the other hand", "in conclusion".

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are some grammar errors found: "comes with raise", "to close with children".

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For more information about the IELTS writing makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com


 


 


 


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Woman Behind A Teacher's Odyssey

My name is Miracel Juanta and I write ATeachersOdyssey to help students and teachers create better English. I have been in the teaching profession for more than 10 years. My field of expertise includes ESL,IELTS,TOEFL,Business English etc. If you have questions about English, feel free to email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com or add my twitter @msjuanta.