Tuesday, February 22, 2011

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #57


The following essay comes from Farshid and he talks about rich governments helping poor nations.

Improvements in health,education and trade are essential for the development of poorer nations.However ,the governments of richer nations should take more responsibility for helping the poorer nations in such areas.To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

For every country helth ,education and trade are crutial.Every society has been tried to develop these issues .But some countries were not be able to achieve them in spite of their tries.On the other hand many countries have succeeded to develop these three vital things in their communities .I personally agree with this issue that developed countries should help developing countries to approach better position in health , education and trade , because of uncertain future and absorbing dangers from poor countries.

It is not clear that in the future which country will be poor and which one will be rich.In the past centuries ,there were many well-off societies which are not rich now and they are poor ,due to several disasters.if they had helped poor countries ,they would not be poor later.And maybe other countries would help them as a result of being thoughtful,It is sort of interchanging aid. Sometimes others need to be helped by us and sometimes we need them to assist with us.

On the other hand ,poor communities have some dangers I the world and these dangers are global such as the rise of crime and addiction.It is undeniable that increase of crime will affect the others ,and growth of addiction has similar impression.More dangerous crimes such as drug trafficking are global.if it grows in a country near you,it deffenitly will impress on your country.And surely these dangers are related to poor education,health and trade .

To sume up , I strongly believe that developed countries should asses weak societies in order to decrease the number of crimes in the world and being helped in the future.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to give your stand in the issue, however, your main points and examples are weak and do not support your stand. Your conclusion should also be balanced with the other paragraphs.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is sometimes repetitive and inappropriate: "develop", "impression", "tries", "thoughtful".

COHERENCE AND COHESION

There is some organization in your essay with the use of transition words such as "to sum up", "on the other hand" and "but". However, the essay became illogical when you discussed about crime.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There is a fair range of grammar structures with some errors on complex structures such as the passives and conditionals:

"Every society has been tried to develop these issues"

"if they had helped poor countries ,they would not be poor later"

There are a number of spelling errors: deffenitly, sume, crutial, helth and asses.

There are also some run-on sentences:

"In the past centuries ,there were many well-off societies which are not rich now and they are poor ,due to several disasters.if they had helped poor countries ,they would not be poor later."

Other grammar errors: "assist with us", `" dangers I the world".

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