Wednesday, February 16, 2011

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #56


The following essay is from Abhigyan and he writes about employment and its effects on family life.

Question- In many countries both genders go out of their homes to do jobs spending too much time at work than at home.Does the advantage of this kind of employment outweigh its bad effects on their family life?

The modernization has completely transformed people's perception. In the modern society, both male and female members are goal oriented and do jobs (in many families). Some people say that its disadvantageous when both the family members go to do jobs. However, many social reforms and the modern outlook has proved that both male and female members have the right to follow their goals


Most importantly, when both genders go to do job, they provide financial security to the family. Money is a very important thing, without which basic needs can't be fulfilled. In addition, both the genders have the right to follow their dreams. In the modern world, both males and females work hard in their academic fields to accomplish their goals. It would be a waste of time if they don't follow their dreams. For instance, how would a girl who worked hard to get a professional degree and is asked to sit at home and take care of a child? Of course, her dreams would be shattered.


Interestingly, some people believe that women are not as competent as men. This is a myth, far from reality. Time and again, women have proved their mettle. However, when both the genders spend too much time at workplace, the family life is affected. They pay less attention to the kids and also their private lives are disturbed. Moreover, mental stress is developed to balance both the work and the family duties. However, there are many couples who know how to balance their lives.Nothing is free in this world, adjustments have to be made. There are numerous advantages of both the genders working, while the disadvantages can be controlled.


Thus, both the genders have the right to work on their goals. Life is all about facing new challenges, and this balancing is one of them. The advantages of the employment trend of both the male and family members working surely outweighs the disadvantages which can be controlled and dealt with.

Word count: 328

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to give a good introduction and good conclusion. You have supported your main points with concrete examples. Your wordcount is 328 which is too long. Reduce your essay to 250-265 words.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

The essay is generally organized with the use of appropriate connecting markers: "thus", "however", "moreover", "for instance". Improve the structure of your essay by using the five-paragraph format: Introduction, Advantage 1, Advantage 2, Disadvantage 1, Conclusion.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

There is a wide variety of vocabulary used: "mettle", "mental stress", "financial security", "goal oriented".

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

The essay has a good range of grammar structures such as:

Relative clauses: who know how to balance their lives

Modals: have to be made, would be a waste time

Perfect tenses - has completely transformed.

However, there are some grammar errors noted: "have proved" and run-on sentences such as:

"The advantages of the employment trend of both the male and family members working surely outweighs the disadvantages which can be controlled and dealt with. "


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For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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Woman Behind A Teacher's Odyssey

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