Monday, January 31, 2011

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #55


The following essay is from Aiping. The essay discusses about the advantages and disadvantages of extreme sports.

Extreme sports are fun and exciting. They are also dangerous. Should extreme sports be encouraged or discouraged?

Nowadays, more and more people get involved in extreme sports, such as cliff climbing and sky diving; even they know that there are significant danger elements inside. However there are many people disagreeing this kind of sports because of the contained danger; there are several critical reasons to strongly encourage these sports.

Firstly, these sports are a kind of challenges in our life. Challenge is an essential term in our life. Without challenge, we will feel our life is dull and boring and just filled by daily activities, while we can get stimulated to meet the challenges. For example, in order to enjoy the extreme sports, we need to take exercise frequently to make our body be physically flexible and strong, and learn the facilities. Therefore participation in these sports can keep us physical fit and renew our knowledge.

Secondly, these sports provide a way for people to develop brevity. Brevity is the ability to face the challenges involved in exploring the domains where we are not familiar, and it is the critical factor for discoveries. Our modern life is the results of lots of new discoveries in geography and sciences. For instance, we all know the impacts of the geographical discovery of America on history, and the discovery of electric-magnetism in science on the invention of telecommunications. But if without brevity, Columbus would not cross the wide ocean to get the new world, and Faladi would not run the first experiment in the risk of life to study electric field. With the convenience of modern life, there is rare chance for testing and developing our brevity. The extreme sports can provide the opportunity.

Thirdly, these sports motivate the innovation of new technologies. Definitely new facilities are required to participate in these extreme sports which will initiative the new technology. For illustration, surfing in ocean encouraged the invention of canvas. The needing of diving accelerates the invention of water-proof cloth. It is clear that these sports directly facilitate the new inventions.

However, the persons who join in these activities should pay attention on their personal safety. To avoid the risks, the methods which can increase the safety of these sports should be installed, and moreover cautions and instructions to avoid the risk should be taught and advised to the practisers. Particularly, the coach should be qualified enough to train the sportsmen.

In summary, it is clear that the benefits of extreme sports overcome their risks, therefore it should be encourage in our modern life. In meanwhile, we need to take cautions on the safety risk.

Word Count: 425

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to write a good introduction and conclusion. You were able to give reasons why you encourage extreme sports. However, your word count is 425. Write only between 250-265 words. Six paragraphs is too long. Reduce it to five only.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

There are a variety of vocabulary used: innovation, facilitate, stimulated, accelerates. However, there are also inappropriate word choices: brevity, term, practisers.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

The paragraphs are organized. There are a variety of connecting utterances used: firstly, secondly, thirdly, in summary, however. The paragraphs are generally logical, however, the fifth paragraph is no longer necessary. The third paragraph became illogical when you discussed about geography.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are a variety of grammar structures used:

Modals: should be qualified enough

Relative clauses: who join in these activities.

There are some grammar errors: should be encourage, disagreeing this kind of sports, will initiative, needing, is the results.



If you want a writing makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com.








For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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Woman Behind A Teacher's Odyssey

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