Tuesday, January 25, 2011

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #53


The following essay was written by Ajit from India. The essay discusses about following the local customs of foreign countries.

SOME PEOPLE believe that visitors to other countries should follow local customs and behaviour. Others disagree and think that the host country should welcome cultural differences.Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Tourism industry has taken a big leap in the last few years. People visit different countries during vacations and also for official purposes. When an individual visits another country, sometimes cultural differences arise between them and the localites. It is said that the visitor must respect the local customs, while others debate that the host country should have some tolerance for cultural differences. However, its the moral duty of a visitor to change themselves according to the territory and culture they are visiting.

Host country most of the times welcome their guests with a big smile. Sometimes a foreign national might not be acquainted with the local customs and can make mistakes. When a host country welcomes any guest, they should also have the guts to forgive unintentional mistakes. For example, a lot of tourists come to visit the Golden Temple (India). It is a custom to cover the head inside the premises. If by chance, a foreigner doesn't covers his/her's , the local people should not feel offended and instead, should tell that foreigner the importance of covering the head. A host should show the required hospitality and enlighten the visitors about their customs and traditions.

However, the responsibility of the visitors should be greater than that of the host. When visitors go in foreign countries, they should adapt themselves according to the needs. They should be prepared , beforehand, not to hurt the sentiments of the locals. A country welcomes guests to promote cultural exchange, not to be insulted or having their culture polluted. When a visitor is visiting a country, they should read about the customs, traditions and other rules of that country and be prepared . For instance, some tourists go to western countries and throw their garbage anywhere on the streets or spit anywhere. This kind of behaviour is unacceptable. A visitor has no right to break the rules of a host country.

Unfortunately, the cultural differences result in clashes sometimes. It is the responsibility of both, hosts and visitors, to adapt themselves. However, a host might not be aware of the origin of the visitors. On the other hand, when a visitor can do the effort to go abroad, they should also do a little effort to learn about the region they are going. Nowadays, all the information is available on the internet. If a visitor is confused, they should humbly ask for guidance from the locals and should not behave rudely, which would hurt anyone.

Thus, I strongly believe that its the duty of a visitor to camouflage with the region. A host can tolerate minor mistakes, but intentional, disrespecting behaviours isn't acceptable.Tourism is to promote cultures and make others aware of the integrity and tradition of one's own country, not to get their cultures and sentiments , insulted and spoiled. Visitors must respect the cultures and behaviour of the host country.

Word count: 479

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You gave a clear introduction and conclusion. You were able to state your stand why visitors should follow the customs of a foreign country. You gave both sides of the coin. However, you could have added another main point to support further your stand. Remove some sentences that are irrelevant to your main point. Your word count is 479 which is too long. Write between 250-265 words only.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You have used a good range of vocabulary: “cultural exchange”, “tolerate”, “sentiments”. However, there are some inappropriate word choices: “camouflage”.

COHERENCE AND COHESION
The essay is generally organized. A good range of connecting utterances were used: however, thus, on the other hand, for instance.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There is a good range of grammatical structures:
modals: should also do a little effort
relative clauses: which would hurt anyone
conditionals: if a visitor is confused.

But, there are a number of systematic errors: “localites”, “its the moral duty”, “his/her’s”, “behaviours isn’t”. Avoid run-on/long sentences: “If a visitor is confused, they should humbly ask for guidance from the locals and should not behave rudely, which would hurt anyone.”
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If you want a free IELTS writing makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com.:)


For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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