Thursday, January 13, 2011

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #52


The following essay is from Milan. The essay discusses about the causes and effects of drugs on the youth.

People in all modern societies use drugs, but today's youth are experimenting with both legal and illegal drugs, and at an increasingly early age. Some sociologists claim that parents and other members of society often set a bad example.

Discuss the causes and some effects of widespread drug use by young people in modern day society. Make any recommendations you feel are necessary to help fight youth drug abuse.

Nowadays, people in all modern societies are exposed to problems of drug addiction. The huge problem in particular presents an increasing number of young people who use drugs. The usually start using drugs out of curiosity and to successfully overcome this problem a society should consider introducing educational programs to raise awareness of dugs’ bad influence.

It is not a surprise to read in newspapers about existing problems of youth who enjoy drugs. It is said that number of addicts is becoming higher with every day. According to the recent study in (XXXXX), one of the main reasons of this increase is certainly curiosity of young people to experience drug effects. They might, for example, watch a movie showing their favorite actor taking a drug or read an interview of a musician claiming using drugs. All of these, without doubt, contribute to young people curiosity and they eventually become drug addicts.

In order to solve drug related problems, a society must consider developing and implementing educational programs which man goal is to educate young people of bad drug effects. For instance, such a program was launched in a few high schools in (XXXX). One year after the program’s implementation a study has shown a 5% decrease in young people addiction. These results are promising and clearly show the benefits of educational programs.

Modern society has been facing with younger people drug addiction for a while. One of the ways to mitigate the problem is certainly putting education programs intro practice. There are lots of examples of their successful implementation and therefore, every society must consider applying them.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to give reasons and solutions to drug addiction. However, there was no mention of the effects of drugs. Add one more paragraph to discuss the effects. Good introduction and conclusion but improve the reasons in the conclusion. Good statistics to back-up your main points.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Wide range of vocabulary e.g. mitigate, implementation, awareness, exposed. Able to paraphrase some words.

COHESION AND COHERENCE

Explanation is clear and logical. Good variety of connecting utterances e.g. therefore, in order to, for example. Paragraphs are of the same length, however, add one more paragraph to include the effects.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

Good range of grammar structures e.g. perfect tenses: has shown; modals: must consider; passives: was launched; relative clauses: who use drugs. There are some grammar and spelling errors e.g. the usually, dugs’, young people curiosity, man goal.

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For Further Reading,
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