Wednesday, January 12, 2011

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER # 51


The following IELTS Makeover is from Lisa and she discusses about the health care provision.

The costs of medical health care are increasing all the time. Governments are finding it difficult to balance the health care budget.

Should citizens be totally responsible for their own health costs and take out private health insurance, or is it better to have a comprehensive health care system which provides free health services for all? Discuss.

There will always be debate regarding the issue of health insurance. Many people believe that private health insurance is more rewarding in terms of national costs, others argue that health services provided free for all of us are indispensable and of great importance.
Those who argue in favour of private health care systems often claim that our governments could no longer manage their health care budgets efficiently. Further, those people might even tend to think that it is unfair to be responsible and to pay for other people’s health.
In my opinion, it is important that health care remains comprehensive free and consequently available for all of us and not only for those who earn well. I would like to put forward the argument that every citizen could experience a situation in which he or she needs special (and expensive!) treatment. For instance, a friend of mine had a baby that was involved in an accident. The baby had to receive much medical service and aid and eventually her life was saved. This would have cost a big sum of money if there were no collective health systems. In the case of private health care systems, people with a rather low income, who are already disadvantaged in many ways, would probably suffer even more. Because of the (ever increasing) disparities in salaries I realise that the gap in our society would grow even bigger. As we are all tax-payers, our incomes can be re-distributet, even if only to a certain extent. There is quite a bit of our taxes that is re-distributed into the health system. In my way of thinking, this is extremely important.
For these reasons I am of the opinion that our governments should stay responsible for health care systems.

WORD COUNT: 293

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT
Good introduction but conclusion needs improvement in terms of length. You were able to give good reasons but give at least three and separate them into each paragraph. Some examples were given to support the main points. Word count is too long, write between 250-265 words only.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Good range of vocabulary e.g. consequently, redistributed, tax-payers, indispensable, disparities. Able to paraphrase e.g. collective health systems. Some idiomatic language evident e.g. put forward.


COHERENCE AND COHESION

Explanation is clear and logical. Evidence of some variety of connecting words e.g. for instance, further, in my opinion. Organization needs improvement. Paragraphs are not balanced: one is too long and another is too short.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

Good range of simple and complex structures e.g. modals like can, could, might, had to, would have; conditionals: if there were no collective health systems; relative clauses: who are already disadvantaged. There are some systematic errors like run-ons e.g. Many people believe that private health insurance is more rewarding in terms of national costs, others argue that health services provided free for all of us are indispensable and of great importance. Some spelling errors like redistributet.

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For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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