Wednesday, September 15, 2010

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #50


Our featured essay is from Aquaris. The essay discusses about wind power as the best source of energy.

Topic is: wind power is the best source of energy because it is clean, affordable and sustainable. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In these days natural resources are in more use because these resources are renewable source of energy and they are clean and safe for both human and the environment. Wind power is the best source of energy. This essay will discuss first advantages and then the disadvantages.

The main advantages of wind power is the renewable source of energy. It is clean and does not leave any by products like radioactive waste. This is the reason for why they are expensive.

However, there are some disadvantages to wind generated energy. It is costly to build wind turbines. Wind turbines are very large and need lots of space. Wind turbines may cause harm to migratory birds.

In addition, we can try to build the wind turbines in those places where they will not affect the migratory birds. Even if the turbines are expensive but they will be cheaper in longer term.

After considering all the mentioned points, i have derived conclusion that the advantages of the wind power considerably outweigh the disadvantages. Sources like coal , nuclear power, wind power does not produce any by products. All of these reasons wind power is the best clean and sustainable source of energy.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

Development of the paragraphs is a little problematic and inconsistent. The task asserts that wind power is affordable and yet you claim in your essay that it is expensive. You should have focused on the advantages of wind power in terms of cleanliness, affordability and sustainability. Your essay is below wordcount: 200. Write between 250-265 words.

COHESION AND COHERENCE

Your essay is generally organized with the use of transition words such as “however”, “in addition” to show contrast and to show sequence.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You have used a variety of words but because of the 200 word count it still lacks concrete and clear vocabulary.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are a number of grammatical errors found. Simplify the first sentence to make it shorter and remove unnecessary words. Add an article “the” between “first advantages”. Remove “for” in “for why they are expensive”. Replace “have derived conclusion” to “have arrived to the conclusion”. Pluralize the verb in “sources”. Add “for” at the start of the last sentence in your conclusion.


For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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