Tuesday, August 31, 2010

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #49


The following essay was written by Andreea and she writes about the functions of a university.


Some people think that universities should provide graduates with the knowledge and skills needed in the workplace. Others think that the true function of a university should be to give access to knowledge for its own sake, regardless of whether the course is useful to an employer.

What, in your opinion, should be the main function of a university?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

The purpose of universities is to provide education to their students. Different universities have come up with different programs in order to acomplish that. Every student chooses the program that suits him better acording with his capacities, abilities, or pasions.

For instance, I like mathematics and finance, so I applied to a finance program at an economic university. This university provided me the advanced economic knowledge necesary in this field, and by the time I graduate, I was hired in a bank. Although I have studied finance for three years, I wasn't able to do the work they have hired me for until they trained me for that job specifically. Fortunatelly, my economical background helped me, and I only had to attend a short training program, but the ones with different background had to be trained harder. So, the fact that I have previously studied finance made it easier for me to do my job and helped the bank by the fact that it dind't had to spend much time and money to train me.

In the whole world are millions of companies with so different types of activities and job requirements so that it will be imposible for the universities to have a special study program for each and one of them. Universities should just provide its students with the basic knowledge and skills asked for in every working field and then the companies should teach the graduates the extra specific requirements of each position.

WORDCOUNT: 246

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

The essay is below the 250 word count. It needs more main ideas to strengthen your views. Never begin an essay with an example.

COHESION AND COHERENCE

The essay needs to improve in terms of its organization. Add more transition words to link paragraphs and to summarize. Follow also the five-paragraph format to give a more balanced approach.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

There are some inappropriate words used. “Economical” means “practical”. Change it to “economic” instead. Remove specific in the phrase “extra specific”.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are a number of misspelled words: acomplish, acording, pasions, necesary, fortunatelly, dind’t, imposible. Revise the run-ons in the 2nd and 3rd paragraph. Avoid long sentences and a guideline is to have 25 words per sentence.

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Email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com if you want a free IELTS writing makeover. :)


For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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Woman Behind A Teacher's Odyssey

My name is Miracel Juanta and I write ATeachersOdyssey to help students and teachers create better English. I have been in the teaching profession for more than 10 years. My field of expertise includes ESL,IELTS,TOEFL,Business English etc. If you have questions about English, feel free to email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com or add my twitter @msjuanta.