Monday, August 9, 2010

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #45


Our next IELTS Writing Makeover was written by Adrienne. She summarize a graph about the population of three different countries.

The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main feature and make comparisons where relevant

The line graph provides data about the percentage of senor citizens in Japan, Sweden, and the U.S.A. in a period of one hundred years.

We can see clearly from the graph that the proportion of elder people in the three countries stood at a 5% to 10% in 1940, and by the end of 2040, the number went up to a range of approximately 23% to 28%.

Sweden and the U.S.A. had a similar growth between 1940 and 1980. Up until near the year 2000, Sweden showed a significant increase while the U.S. stayed at the same level. The largest gap between the two nations was 6% in 2010.

The percentage of people aged over 65 in Japan, on the other hand, decreased in the first twenty years and stabilized. Around 1990 onwards, the number rose steadily. The most notable growth was in 2030, with a enormous rise of 15%. Japan had the highest proportion of elderly population in 2040 of the three nations.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to describe the trends in the population of Japan, US and Sweden. You gave an introduction but do give a conclusion to give a semblance of completion. Substantiate the 3rd paragraph and 4th paragraph by giving more concrete figures.

COHESION AND COHERENCE

Your essay needs improvement in terms of organization. Add more transition words to link paragraphs. Improve paragraph structure, Par. 1 – Introduction, Par. 2 – US, Par. 3 – Sweden, Par. 4 – Japan and Par. 5 – Conclusion.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is quite varied and not much redundant words. You differentiated the increases and decreases by giving descriptive words.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are minimal errors in grammar particularly in the area of tenses. Just be careful when switching tenses. When talking about future years, use future tense.

If you want to be the next IELTS Writing Makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com


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