Thursday, August 5, 2010

IELTS Writing Makeover #44


Our essay today is from Zuhri and he writes about his arguments on academic and non-academic subjects.

Q: Schools should concentrate more on academic subjects which could be more beneficial for the children in the future. They should concentrate less on less important subjects such as sports and music. Do you agree or disagree?

Educations are important for all children. There are lots of subjects that being taught at school. Even though, there are still conflict arise on teaching academic subjects and less important subjects. Some think that academic subjects should be focused more than the subject likes sports and music whiles others vice versa. As for me, concentrate more on academic is better.

 

Firstly, the reason why academic subjects should be more focus is because job future of the children. As we can be seen, the prospect of working are relying more on the academic subjects such as mathematic, physic and chemistry. While, the subjects likes sports and music are more on for healthy lifestyle. In addition, try to imagine when the children growth up and looking for a job, if the academic subjects is not concentrated they will hardly found of doing their tasks. Thus, it is resulted of worse job skills.

 

On the other hand, however, subject likes sports and music cannot be omitted or eliminated. Healthy lifestyle also plays an important role in our life. Though, it is one of the ways to get out from the pressure in studying. By studying the sports or music, the children will found the exciting of being in the school, in which, can encourage them to go to the school.

 

Finally, it can be concluded that academic subjects found as more important rather than subject likes sports and music. But the sports and music also can be found to be a support subjects in encouraging the children.

 

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You gave a balanced view by giving both the advantage and disadvantage of focusing on sports and music. Improve your conclusion by making your point of view clearer.

COHESION AND COHERENCE

You have made use of a number of transition words such as “firstly, on the other hand, however, finally” to show sequence and to show contrast. However, delete the redundant transition word in your 3rd paragraph.  It is better to have five paragraphs for equal number of words.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

There was an attempt to use a variety of vocabulary and you tried to paraphrase some of the words. There were some redundant words such as “found” and “important”.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

A number of grammar errors and awkward sentences were found. You need to work on the sentence structures. Never pluralize “education” and “whiles”. Insert “are” between “that” and “being”.  Revise “should be more focus” to “should have more focus”.  “Growth up and looking for a job” should be “grow up and look for a job”. “It is resulted” should be “it will result to “. “Will found” should be “will find”. Change “exciting” into a noun”.  

 

Need help in your writing? Email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com.


For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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