Friday, August 13, 2010

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #46


The following essay was written by Con. She writes about her views on sports events and their relationship with patriotism and international tensions.

popular events like the football world cup and other international sporting occasions are essential in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Today, international sports events are very famous all over the world. One specific example is the world cup wherein different countries of the world have representatives to play the sports game. It is agreed and refuted by some that international events like this benefits every countries to be patriotic toward their own nation and develops friendship among different countries participating in the sport. These will be proven by discussing the unity developed within a country and the conflict that appears while cheering up for the pride of their own country.

Firstly, it is true that unity among people of a country during happenings like this is strengten. As an evident to this every citizen of a certain country cheer up for their own team. This unifies them because they represent their own mother land and they support one common goal which is to win. Therefore they share one common commitment that clearly shows that unity and patriotism toward their own country is present.

On the other hand, certain conflict arises on events like this. As an example that happened in the past , since different countries and nationalities are joining the game they support their own country and sometimes too much excitement can lead to violence and chaos. Between two camps there is a possibility of violating each other not only physically but verbally. Stampede is a proof of this conflict resulting from events like these. It therefore proves that international tournament may not fully ease tension but another tension may arise.

As a summary, it is argued and refuted by some that international sporting events may unify the people of certain participating countries but a conflict may arise between countries if people become undisciplined. In my opinion, experience of the past gave valuable lessons to people, and I believe that mistakes of the past is unlikely to be repeated . Thus the benefits of international happenings outweigh the conflicts may arise because people becomes more clear of the real mentality of being “sports”.

WORD COUNT: 334

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to give both sides of the issue by providing supporting details to prove your point. You made clear your stand on the issue. However, your wordcount is 334. Reduce it to 250-265 words.

COHESION AND COHERENCE

Your essay is organized with the use of appropriate transition words such as “firstly”, “on the other hand” and “as a summary”. Improve organization by using the five-paragraph format for a more balanced approach.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Avoid wordiness and long sentences. Sentences should only be a maximum of 25 words. Rephrase the redundancy in the last sentence in the 2nd paragraph.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

Change the misspelled words “strengten” to “strengthened” and “evident” should be “evidence”. Revise the subject-verb errors in “ international events such as this benefits” and “people becomes”. Remove “up” from the phrase “cheering up”. Paraphrase the 2nd sentence in your 2nd paragraph to observe parallelism in number.

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