Wednesday, July 14, 2010

IELTS Writing Makeover #43


Our featured essay is from Natalia who writes about her views on environmental conservation and economic planning.

To what extent should economic planning be influenced by the need of environmental conservation?

Our ecological heritage is nowadays more important to the goverments than it was before. However, not all the nations include the money needed for its preservation on their national budget. This essay will outline some ideas in favor of the inclusion of the ecological preservation in the finances plan of the countries.

There different reasons for investing on the preservation of the environment. In the first place, our natural resources are the main source of economical development for many nations. Therefore, it is an obligation of the states to protect the strong spots of their economy. A further reason for the goverments to compromise their investments with the environment are the plans to future. If the economy of a country is primary (based on the land), it is mandatory to have an specific budget of the national plan destinated to regenerate and renovate the land with the appropiate procedures. This will maintain the productive areas in the best conditions to keep on working effectively.

Nevertheless, it is not the sole responsibility of the government to adjust the ecological projects to their economies. Large companies should be also compromised with the cause. A high number of the damages caused to the environment come from the irresponsible work of many corporations. Devastation of the trees in the forest, gas emission from the airplanes, oil spilt, pollution coming from the industries and the like, are just a few examples of their terrible procedures. Then, authorities from each country should develop stronger laws to penalize the ecological damage and also, to reinforce the programs of social responsibility of the companies.

I agree that plans of ecological preservation should definitely be included on the economic program of the countries. However, the problem can not be just part of a governamental agenda but also engage the biggest companies in order to prevent environmental dissasters. If we want to preserve our beautiful planet is a challenge of the main authorities to be aware of its needs.

Word count: 329

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to explain your reasons why ecological preservation is needed in economic planning. However, your word count is 329. Limit your essay to 250-265 words minimize time and errors.

COHESION AND COHERENCE
You used a number of transition words such as “nevertheless”, however”, “then”. Add more transition words especially in the conclusion. Improve the organization by using the five-paragraph format. Paragraphs should be not more than 50 words.

LEXICAL RESOURCE
Avoid wordiness and use simpler vocabulary to avoid misuse of language. “Destinated” should be “designated”. Rephrase the word “compromise” into a more appropriate term.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
There are a number of misspelled words: appropriate, governamental, disasters, destinated. Put a linking verb between “there different”. “On the economic program” and “on the national budget” should be “in”. “Plans to future” should be “plans for the future”. Never use “an” before a consonant. “Can not” should be one word. Revise the run-on in your last sentence.

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Woman Behind A Teacher's Odyssey

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