Monday, July 5, 2010

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #42


Our featured essay today is from Hien Trang of Thailand. The essay discusses about the power of advertising and its effects on consumers.

Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Over the last decade, the development of trading and commerce has greatly enhanced the role of advertisement. Some people now hold the opinion that the coverage of ads therefore become one of the main catalyst increasing customers' behaviours. From my point of view, advertising today seems to be more of a tool of pressures for the masses, actively interfering with buyers' desire and affecting numerous aspects of life.

In the first place, there is a common belief that advertising brings about considerable benefits to modern people, especially in terms of helping those in busy having no time to go shopping compare between various products and make right choices by themselves. For instance, by watching a lot of ads on television, a businessman can see the differences between a wide variety of cars and choose the most suitable one that best suits his taste and personality. In fact, it is the commercials or designers of the ads that force him to choose their products by finding out specific needs of their target customer groups as well as filling flowery phrases and empty promises to their promotional campaigns.

Secondly, it cannot be denied that the appearance of advertisements at a fairly maximum level on mass media is actually the culprit of harmful effects. The first matter that people mostly come to mind is that ads exaggerate human's demands and boost customers purchase goods and services beyond actual needs. As a matter of fact, some of us may change or upgrade our home computer unnecessarily every two years just because of watching magical advancement of latest programs advertising day by day on the Internet. Secondly, the producers of advertisements often use the image of reputable celebrities and sucessful superstars with a view to promoting luxurious products attractively. The result is that many youngsters, because of having no money may be probably be tempted to commit to a crime so that they can buy same goods as their idols. Many recent statistics have shown annual report on this high rate of crime among young people out of this reason.

In conclusion, it is clear that advertisement is obviously indispensable in our daily life. However, government and concerned authority should implement suitable laws providing that these laws will prevent enterprises from misusing the functions of advertising and cause adverse effects to customers.

Wordcount: 387

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to prove how high sales of goods reflect the power of advertising. However, do reiterate your point of view in the conclusion to address the task. Reduce your wordcount to 250-265 words.

COHESION AND COHERENCE

Essay is organized with appropriate use of transition words to show sequence and examples such as “for instance, in conclusion, secondly, etc.” However, avoid using the same transition word twice e.g. “secondly.”. It is still better to use the five-paragraph format for a more balanced view.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You have a good mix of advanced vocabulary. Language used is appropriate and clear. But do avoid wordiness. Avoid long sentences which might lead to run-on sentences.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are minimal grammar and spelling errors. Just revise the misspelled word “sucessful”.

If you want an IELTS writing makeover, do email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com. :)


For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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