Friday, May 28, 2010

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #41


Our IELTS essay today is from Carol. She writes about academic and non-academic subjects.

Q: Schools should concentrate more on academic subjects which could be more beneficial for the children in the future. They should concentrate less on less important subjects such as sports and music. Do you agree or disagree?

Many school focus on reducing time in sports and music because of restricted prospects.They feel that by devoting time in these aspects, it can affect grades, obstructing individual development and not a necessity for the children in their future. This essay will discuss for and against on the concerns of main priority tasks.


First of all, if they engage in coursework that did not contribute much to their overall score, it is quite time consuming as they cannot plan for more studying session in their daily schedules. In turn, it may results in the fall of their grades. Secondly, when this happens, individual development will be affected in areas of getting into universities and courses of their choice. Another important point is that sports and music are not a commonly chosen field of work. The chances for career advancement and opening positions for jobs of this zone will be limited. However, the advantages of it cannot be overlooked.


These additional selection can be helpful to children in encouraging them to be more creative, exposing surplus knowledge in sports and promoting healthier lifestyle. In music, reading musical notes and playing instruments are been tested and tap into their capabilities towards originative. Exploring different types of sports functions and playing tactics can stimulate the pupils in growing interests and creates an improvement in their wellness too.


Finally, i think that we cannot differentiate the significance value of each topic covered in school. It depends on the circumstances, motivation and the level of enthusiasm of children toward learning.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You gave a balanced view of focusing on academic subjects and non-academic subjects. You gave concrete details to support your main point. Improve your conclusion by giving your stand on the topic.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

The structure of your essay is generally organized with the use of transition words to show sequence and summary. It is better, however, to use the five-paragraph format for a more balanced length of paragraphs.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

The words used are varied and appropriate. Replace the following words into simpler ones: originative, and tactics.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

Observe parallelism in your verbs like “can affect and obstructing”, ‘be more creative, exposing and promoting” and “can stimulate and creates”. Capitalize the “I” in the last paragraph. Change “are been tested” to “are being tested.”

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Need help in your writing? Email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com for a free IELTS makeover.


For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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Woman Behind A Teacher's Odyssey

My name is Miracel Juanta and I write ATeachersOdyssey to help students and teachers create better English. I have been in the teaching profession for more than 10 years. My field of expertise includes ESL,IELTS,TOEFL,Business English etc. If you have questions about English, feel free to email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com or add my twitter @msjuanta.