Wednesday, May 26, 2010

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #41


The following Task 1 Academic Essay is from Ismael. He describes the bar and pie charts about adult learning.


We can see from the bar chart the diversity between reasons pushes adult people to learn. At the top of the rates the both two reasons which are Subject interest and Qualification gaining with percentages range 38% to 40%. While three other reasons almost equal ranging between 20% to 22% comes in the second level, these reasons either to improve in their current job or to get a raise and promote or even just they enjoy the learning. We can also notice that a less amount of people voted for the reasons of meeting people or to move between jobs.

The pie chart gives shares of how the costs of adults learning should be divided. It shows that 40% of the total cost should be paid by the learner himself, while 35% to be paid by the employer and the last 25% by the taxpayers.

At last we can say that adults' learning is useful for both worker and employer and the charts shows that most of the people are interested in learning, however how the cost of the courses would be divided.

Word count: 183

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to describe the graphs and give specific figures to support your main points. However, give an introduction describing the graphs which include the variables.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

Improve your organization by adding transition words to link the paragraphs and to show sequence.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You used a variety of words but there are some words that were used inappropriately. Revise “at last” to “lastly”. Remove the redundancy in “both two reasons”.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are a number of run-on sentences found in the 1st and 3rd paragraphs. Break long sentences into two. You only use “between” when talking only two things. “Among” is the proper term for multiple things. Add “that” between “reasons push”. Sentence 2 is a fragment so add a predicate to revise it. Add “are” between “reasons almost” and “reasons either”. Invert “just they”. Change the subject-verb error in “charts shows”. Change “however” to “regardless of”.

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For more information about the IELTS Writing Makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com. :)


For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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Woman Behind A Teacher's Odyssey

My name is Miracel Juanta and I write ATeachersOdyssey to help students and teachers create better English. I have been in the teaching profession for more than 10 years. My field of expertise includes ESL,IELTS,TOEFL,Business English etc. If you have questions about English, feel free to email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com or add my twitter @msjuanta.