Friday, May 7, 2010

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #39


The following essay is from Raghu and he writes about traditional vs. western music.

Essay: Why do we need music and how is traditional music important over western music.

Among many leisure time activities, music is one of the most popular chosen activity. Music gives pleasure to all irrespective of age, gender, educational background, field of work etc. Music is not only the most chosen but also the most needed activity.

Music relaxes a person who is tired physically as well as the one who is tired mentally. It is one such relaxation activity which does not need any kind of effort from you in contrast to other options. For instance watching a movie needs you to use your eyes which you might not prefer incase you have already spent your time in office seeing computers. Dancing ,playing games, swimming etc. need physical energy and even practicing yoga needs a posture. Listening to music can be done anywhere even while in bathrooms or while sleeping on bed.

Music can narrate a story, transcend anyone into his favourite dreams, can encourage people, can motivate people and can evoke soft feeling even in a hard-hearted person. Music can be produced by anything as simple as by using two sticks or by sophisticated group of instruments by musicians. Even rustling of leaves, pitter patter rain drops are the musical gifts of nature.

Traditional music would definitely be important. While entertainment is the most possible outcome from western music, traditional music is the one which evokes feeling, touches your hearts and makes you feel extremely relax. The origin of music is set to be from the sound of breathing that comes out in different situations, like while lifting a heavy load or when you are sad and crying. That is how different music makes one feel differently. Based on one’s culture music evolved differently in different regions and one closes to your heart would be your own traditional music.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to give the reasons why we need music as well as the importance of traditional music over western music. Reduce your word count from 296 to a range of 250-265.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

Improve the organization by using more transition words and using the five-paragraph format. Give also a conclusion that will summarize your main points.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

A variety of words were used. Words are clear and appropriate. However, the word “different” is used redundantly.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

Change the subject-verb error in “one of the most popular chosen activity” and “most possible outcome”. Add an article in “in office”.

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If you want to be the next IELTS writing makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com.


For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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