Tuesday, May 4, 2010

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #38


The following is an essay from Harini and talks about the advantages and disadvantages of being famous.

Essay topic: pros and cons of being a celebrity and support one side.

Entertainment industry has been growing enormously since the past decade. It has been provided this platform to lots of common man ,so that they can take it up as their career and become a star or a celebrity with their talent. This gradually becomes their profession and along with it comes the pros and cons of it. This essay will look at some of the advantages and disadvantages of being a celebrity.

One of the main disadvantage of being a celebrity is they do not have the privilege to have a private life. Everytime , every moment people wants to know what are the happenings in their life. As a result, they do not usually have the freedom to enjoy a normal life like going out ,meetings friends and many more. They are being watched constantly all the time. Secondly, their occupation involves lots of hard work. It is sometimes believed that they need to be emotionally strong , to avoid influence from the reel life character that they play . Lastly, they are looked upon by people as role models, so they have to be cautious enough to deliver right message.

The advantage of being a celebrity is to gain fame and recognition. For a moviestar, whenever a movie is a big hit, they become successful and are known for their talent. They have a huge crowd of fans who admire and like them a lot. Along with the recognition comes the money. The more the movie is successful the more rich they get. Although they have to sacrifice many things in their life to reach this stage, but when they are recognised and loved by many people, they feel gratified. The rewards motivates them to perform better.

Despite the fact that more money can lead people towards negative attitude for life, it is important to accept that there are pros and cons in any professsion. My personal opinion is the advantages overweighs the disadvantages. The celebrites have the power to change people's perception, to make a difference ,to be heard out.

Word count: 343

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to achieve the task by giving both the advantage and disadvantage of being a celebrity. However, your word count is 343. Reduce this from 250-265 so that you won’t commit a lot of errors and you will be able to save time.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

There are some transition words used within paragraphs. Add more transition words to link paragraphs and to summarize your main ideas.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You have used a variety of words. Language used is appropriate and the meaning is clear. There’s one misused word. Change “overweighs” to “outweighs”.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are a number of spelling and grammar errors noticed. Revise the following misspelled words: professsion, celebrites. Change the subject-verb errors: “one of the main disadvantage”, “people wants” , “advantages overweighs”, “rewards motivates”. Pluralize “common man”. “More rich” should be “richer”.


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For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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