Monday, April 5, 2010

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #37


The following essay is from Jana. She writes about fossil fuels being the most important global priority today.

"The exploration and development of safe alternatives to fossil fuels should be the most important global priority today.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?"

It is certainly true, that fossil fuel is main source of energy in the world. There are several arguments supporting this view. More and more countries develop their industry and economies, which means, that scale continue to grow up. In some way i agree with this issue, because i believe, that it is damage our natural planet.

It is clear, that fuel damage our natural world and probably soon our world will not be able to support as, because of huge polution. Furthermore these problems are urgent, because we threat our planet in negative way and no action by single country could safe them. For instance, government supplied various areas with recycle been for paper, glass, and plastic. They aim is to trying keep our cities clean and reduce them of polution. But it is also true, that most of people have their own problems and they do not think about global problems.

In addition, there are also other global priorities, such as poverty and disease. They have the same importance as energy problem, because all these issues are connected together. In the other world, if we did not have global problems, it is possible that disease could reduce.

However, it is also true, that fossil fuel may give advantages. It is evident, that arabic countries are rich with the fuel, which gives them more possibilites to develop their countries, such as build skycraper and modern buildings. As the result country like Dubai is one of the developmnet and modern countries.

In conclusion, in my view of thinking, i believe, that the fuel is one of the most vital problems nowadays, but at the same time it is fairly difficult to imagine our world without it.

Wordcount: 286

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

The task is about finding alternatives to fossil fuels as the most global priority. You wrote an off-topic essay. You should provide arguments why governments should or should not make this their top priority. You wrote a 286-word essay. Reduce this to 250-265 words.

COHESION AND COHERENCE

The essay is organized with the use of transition words such as “in addition”, “however” and “in conclusion”.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Rephrase “natural planet” because it looks awkward. Simplify “in my view of thinking”. “Safe” should be “save”. “Been” should be “bin”.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are a number of grammatical errors found. Capitalize “I” and proper nouns like “Arabic”. Revise the misspelled errors like “polution”, “possibilites”, “skycraper”, “developmnet”. Add an article between “is main source” and “in negative way”. Add “ing” to “is damage” and “en” in “threat”. Pluralize “country like Dubai”. Add an “s” in “scale continue” and “fuel damage”. Change “they aim is to trying keeping” to “their aim is to keep”.

For more information about the IELTS writing makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com. :)


For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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Woman Behind A Teacher's Odyssey

My name is Miracel Juanta and I write ATeachersOdyssey to help students and teachers create better English. I have been in the teaching profession for more than 10 years. My field of expertise includes ESL,IELTS,TOEFL,Business English etc. If you have questions about English, feel free to email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com or add my twitter @msjuanta.