Monday, April 5, 2010

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #36


The following essay is from Maka. The essay is about reducing the need for people to travel from home for work, education or shopping.

Task: The only way to reduce the amount of traffic in cities today is by reducing the need for people to travel from home for work, education or shopping.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is true, that traffic in the modern big cities is a very big problem. The more standards of living increase, the more traffic jams we meet in the streets. Many citizens feel trapped and desperate waiting in lines for hours to reach the point of their final destination.

It is obvious that the main reason for the streets loaded with cars is the activities like working, studying or shopping. Modern informational technologies can suggest the new ways. It can be true that working from home is comfortable for some people but not appropriate for some kinds of jobs; for instance, a surgeon can hardly operate on distance; however a web-designer will do a perfect job while being home. In fact, distance education can also be a solution in terms of decreased traffic, but still, as in case of the work conditions, there are types of disciplines like choreography that mainly focuses on practice. Happily, most of the shopping activities can be done trough online shopping. In my country popularity of the online shopping is steeply increasing, which frees the streets out of traffic and pollution.

But there are different reasons why the people cannot be forced to reduce traveling – social, economical and juridical. First of all, the increased distance working, learning or shopping reduces socialization, the need to communicate and work with people. Also, decreased travel needs will ruin a lot of businesses that deal with the transportation means. And last but not least – every human has a right to choose the way of life. So, the reduction regulations can only have form of recommendations and support.

In conclusion, the only solution to decrease the need for people to travel is the use of modern technologies but still; it cannot be a sound alternative as people have different lifestyles and different needs. So finding one single solution for all the people is not so easy.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to give sound solutions to decrease the need for people to travel. You gave concrete examples. However, your word count is 316. Reduce this to 250-265 words to save time.

COHESION AND COHERENCE

The structure of your essay is organized with the use of appropriate transition words such as “also”, “so”, “in conclusion” and “however”. It would be better if you use the 5-paragraph format for a more balanced view.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You’ve made use of a variety of words and the language used was quite advanced and appropriate.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

No grammatical errors were noted. The tenses used were consistent.

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For more details about the IELTS writing makeover, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com


For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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Woman Behind A Teacher's Odyssey

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