Wednesday, March 24, 2010

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #34


The following essay is from Ginger. She writes about the role of computers and teachers in education.

Computers nowadays are used in every field of life.Where in your

opinion is the role of computers in education and where is the role of
teachers?

Half a century ago one could hardly imagine what advanced technologies
based on computers would advent in next decades.The development of
computers has had great influence on our lives affecting important
aspects like economy, education and medicine. This essay will examine
the role of teachers as well as computers in modern education.

It can not be denied that teachers play a critical role in children
education. Firstly, they prepare a friendly atmosphere in class.
Secondly, not only they teach them but also they try to be their
second family. Importantly, a good teacher can be even a role model
for a child. Last but not least, they pass their experiences and
beliefs along their knowledge to next generation.

Nevertheless, new technologies have challenged the conventional role
of teachers in the class. Teachers used to be the only reliable source
of information for students and there was a show-tell approach in
teaching while the exponential speed of information change today makes
this method rather abolished. Another considerable point is that the
information within textbooks should be revised and updated time by
time that will definitely impose the excess expenses to educational
system.

Consequently, it is the computer and e-learning that help teachers to
come up with the aforementioned problems. Using unlimited educational
sources available in the internet along with interactive CDs or games;
nowadays, teachers can effectively manage how to transfer educational
material to their students to have an enjoyable educational process
with a long-lasting result in particular.

Furthermore, the role of teachers surely changes in this system
because it would not only be teachers who transfer the information to
their students but it would be also the students themselves who follow
their educational needs while teaching role of a teacher would change
to a guide role subsequently.

In conclusion, since computers are going to find their real places in
modern education; hence, in my opinion, it is expected that the
current educational system would change in next years to a technology
dominating system.

Word count: 333

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to explain the role of teachers and computers in education. You gave a good introduction and conclusion. However, your word count is 333. Limit your essay to 250-265 words.

COHESION AND COHERENCE
You used a variety of transition words like “consequently”, “furthermore”, “nevertheless” and “in conclusion” to show additional points and to summarize. Improve organization by using the 5-paragraph format. Have only one main point per paragraph.

LEXICAL RESOURCE
You have used a variety of words. You’ve made use of advanced vocabulary. However, avoid wordiness. Have only 15-20 words per sentence.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
Minimal grammar errors were noted. Just avoid using run-on sentences. Break long sentences into two.

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Need help with your writing? Email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com for a free makeover.


For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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Woman Behind A Teacher's Odyssey

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