Monday, March 15, 2010

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #33


The following essay is from Tiffany and she writes about her views on saving and retirement.

Is an individual fully and solely responsible to save money in order to survive after their retirement?

In this modern society, it is essential for us to work in order to earn money and to live a better life. Admittedly, one can╒t survive without money in this materialized society. For the retired, without extra income, saving money becomes vital and some believe that it is their personal responsibility to use the money well. However, others say government and society aspects should also be accounted for. This essay will examine both sides of view.

It is human nature to find a career after one graduate from school, using the knowledge acquired from years of learning, enabling one to build family and live a happier life. As we reach the age of retiring, it is important to realize and face the fact that there will be no extra income besides the retirement pension and it is time to save money. Investing the money that is left well becomes an inevitable task in order to keep our stomachs full. Therefore, the responsibility we have to burden cannot be denied.

Looking from the opposite side of view, society and government responsibility should also be considered when an individual meets the difficulty in living after not working. Social institutes could arrange recreational activities or simple tasks for the elderly to participate and do to earn a little, while government could provide subsidies on money, food, and healthcare etc.

To conclude, I believe that individuals have the partial responsibility to save and use their money well, but would live better with government and society help.

FOUR-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to give a balanced view of the issue on saving money. You gave a good introduction and conclusion. Your word count is between 250-265. You were able to give solid examples.

COHESION AND COHERENCE

The essay needs more transition words for better structure. It is better to use the 5-paragraph format for a more balanced view.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

There are some words that were used inappropriately. Materialized means to happen. The proper term should be materialistic. Burden is a noun. The correct word is carry. Revise institutes with institutions.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are some subject-verb agreement errors like one graduate. Insert an article in build family. Revise the run-on in your second paragraph and third paragraph. A guideline is only 15 words per sentence.

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