Thursday, March 11, 2010

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #32


The following essay is from Kavitha. She writes about population control by the government.

Some governments say how many children a family can have in their country. They may control the number of children someone has through taxes. It is sometimes necessary and right for government to control the population in this way. Do you agree or disagree. Give reason for your answer

The states have every right to deny some benefits to those families having many children and impose heavy taxes on those who do not abide by these rules. I totally agree with the views expressed by some of these government bodies for having put in place these population controlling measures. This essay looks at some of the reasons as to why it’s important to have such systems in place

Firstly, the steep rise in population in developing countries such as China, India has negative impact on their Economic growth leading to unemployment. Lakh’s of student graduate from colleges every year, however not everyone is employed due to the limited number of job opportunities available thus leading to huge unemployed youth. This number keeps mounting year by year and could have devastating impacts. Unemployed youths without steady income, would turn drug addicts, some might become petty thieves and terrorists which will affect not only their families and also the society.

Secondly, the rise in population also leads to poverty forcing children to go to work at an early age for survival and to have at least one meal a day. Many children earn meager salary and are forced to work long hours and children are abused at work places forcing children to commit suicide. Many of the schemes to develop the lives of these under-developed families do not reach them at all and the reason being their illiteracy.

Population growth also has negative impact in terms of government not able to provide basic medical care needed by all its citizens. These problems can be overcome if a law is put in place that ensures that people are penalized when they do not follow the birth control measures proposed by the government.

On the other hand, these restrictions on child birth control could have some negative effects too. A family having too many children might abandon their children just to avail the benefits offered by the government; this could force many children to go to orphanages

To conclude, the measures initiated by some of the governments would definitely help control the population growth thus increasing the prosperity of the nation and improves the living standards of families and also help in Economic growth of the country by reducing unemployment and poverty stricken people.

Word count: 381

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to give both sides of the issue. You gave supporting details to emphasize your point. You gave both a good introduction and conclusion. However, your word count is 381. Reduce this between 250-265 words.

COHESION AND COHERENCE

The paragraphs are organized with the use of transition words such as “firstly”, “secondly”, “on the other hand” and “to conclude”. However, reduce the number of paragraphs to five for a more balanced approach.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You have a wide vocabulary and made use of advanced language like “penalize” and “illiteracy”.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are minimal grammatical errors found. Replace “lakh’s of student” with “a lot of students”. Do not capitalize “economic”.

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For Further Reading,
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