Thursday, March 4, 2010

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #31


The following letter is from Vikram. He writes a complaint letter about a popular musical show.

You recently paid a lot of money to attend a performance of a popular musical show. Unfortunately, you couldn't enjoy the show for a great many reasons for which you blame the theatre management.

Write a letter to the management. In your letter

– explain what the problems were

– suggest what should be done in the future to prevent these problems

– ask for a refund.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing this letter to complaint about the last Saturday`s musical show organised by your management.

Below are the main reasons for I didn’t enjoy the show.

1. Sound system that created echo’s during the show.

2. Air conditioner didn’t worked from the half of the show.

3. Over crowd in the theatre.

So I am suggesting the following precautions for the above.

1. Replace sound system that suited to your theatre.

2. Check air conditioner before the start of the show or a frequent maintenance required.

3. Allow the people as per capacity of the theatre.

Even though I paid lot money for that show, I couldn’t enjoy the show, so I would like to refund for my ticket. I am happy if you solve this matter as soon as possible.

Yours Sincerely

Vikram.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to explain the problems of the musical show as well as give recommendations. However, your word count is 140. You should write between 150-165 words. Add more sentences in your introduction. Be more specific with the name of the show and the producers of the show.

COHERENCE AND COHESION

Improve the organization of your essay. Avoid bullet points and use more transition words. Follow the 3-paragraph format.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

There were some words that were used inappropriately. Replace “complaint” to its verb form. Change “precautions” to “recommendations”.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There were a number of grammatical errors. Drop the article in “the last Saturday’s musical”. “Main reasons for” should be “main reasons why”. “Echo’s” should have no apostrophe. Remove the “ed” in “didn’t worked”. “From half of the show” should be “during half of the show”. Include a helping verb in “that suited” and “frequent maintenance required”. “I paid lot of money” should be “lots of money”. “To refund” should be “to ask for a refund”.


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For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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