Monday, March 1, 2010

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #30


The following essay is from Jakov and he writes about the pros and cons of using bicycles.

In these days of great environmental pollution bicycles are surley both
economical and cheap way of traweling to school. Althought some consider
bicycles are out of fashion and not as effective as cars or bus. The main
problem is whether speed and pleasure should be more important than healthier
and economical trip to school.

The most important argument for is the fact that bicycles are driven only
by human effort, so except of being economical they are good practice before
going to school. Besides it is much more healthier for children to drivie
bicycles to school rather than just siting in the bus and waiting to be delivered
in front of school gate.

On the other hand traffic in cities can be very dangerous thus bicycles are not
the safest transportation to school. Moreover becouse children dont pay atention
on traffic as they should. Also it is quite difficult, and sometimes not suitable
to drive bicycle in school every day, especialy if its raining. All in all, bicycles
can easily be stolen, even more, if you bought yourself expencive one.

To sum up, there are good and bad sides of driving bicycles, as far as I´m concerned
everyone should drive bicycles when its sunny day . Children have forgotten
to enjoy in simple things, nowdays everyone wants to get a driving licence as fast
as posible just to be popular in school.


4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to give a balanced view on the use of bicycles. You have supporting details but the grammar errors made it less clear. Your word count is 232 which is short of the 250 words required.

COHESION AND COHERENCE
You’ve made use of a number of transition words such as “on the other hand” and “to sum up” , “besides”, “moreover, and “although”. Improve the organization by using the 5-paragraph format.

LEXICAL RESOURCE
You’ve made use of varied words but there are some inappropriate words like “delivered”. Better use the term “dropped off”.

GRAMMATICAL RESOURCE AND ACCURACY
Revise the following misspelled words: surley, traweling, althought, siting, drivie, becouse, atention, especialy, expencive, nowdays, licence, posible. When using transition words, make sure that you include a comma. There should be an apostrophe in “its raining” , “drive bicycle” and “its sunny day”. “More healthier” is redundant. Include articles in “yourself expensive one” and “it’s sunny day”. Your grammar foundation is weak and I suggest that you go through an intensive grammar course to improve it.

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If you want your essay to be assessed, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com. :)


For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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Woman Behind A Teacher's Odyssey

My name is Miracel Juanta and I write ATeachersOdyssey to help students and teachers create better English. I have been in the teaching profession for more than 10 years. My field of expertise includes ESL,IELTS,TOEFL,Business English etc. If you have questions about English, feel free to email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com or add my twitter @msjuanta.