Friday, February 26, 2010

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #29


Our essay for today is from Xasan. The essay discusses about how increase in private car use leads to environmental destructin.

Topic : Environmental destruction are caused by increasing number of private cars.

Currently, air pollution is found in many a part of the world and this is because of expanding number of private cars in use. Comfortably, most of the human beings prefer to have his/her own car, It is my opinion that the growth of personal cars in use really impacts the environmental destruction in terms of carbon monoxide produced by their engine and increasing number of fuel products.

First and foremost, the rise of private cars in use which influences the environmental issues in terms of carbon monoxide produced by their engine. Nowadays, it can be said that most of the people have a personal car, therefore, this leads to increase carbon emissions in the air. For example, the rate of carbon monoxide in the atmosphere was grew steadily by 20% because of expansion of private car usage in USA.

Secondly, the expansion of personal car in use really impacts the environmental destruction in terms of increasing number of fuel products. In fact, petroleum industries are always depend on public and private transports. As long as these features tend to rise, the quantity of oil products will similarly soar. For instance, the amount of fuel produced by oil manufactures have rose by a quarter over all the markets compared to the previous year, as consequence of increasing the private cars.

To sum up, climbing number of private cars which affect the production of larger quantity of fuel products and carbon emissions are the main cause of environmental destructions. Environmentalists should make a lot of advertisement which notifies the risk of using private cars and more encouragement to the society for using public transports.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to provide supporting arguments on how private car use causes environmental destruction. Your word count is 273. Reduce this between 250 to 265 words.

COHERENCE AND COHESION
The essay is organized with the use of transition words such as “first and foremost”, “secondly” and “to sum up”. But, do use the five-paragraph format for a more balanced structure.

LEXICAL RESOURCE
You used a variety of language but some words were awkward. Replace “human beings” with “people”.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
Pluralize “a part of the world” and “advertisement which notifies”. Drop the helping verb in “was grew steadily”. Use the past participle in the verb “have rose”.

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If you want to have your IELTS essay assessed, email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com. :)


For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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